Testing
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I Forget...........
I'm getting old or older or something. But my eyes haven't started to go or my hearing. The hearing is fine; if I don't hear something its probably better I didn't hear it anyway for whatever reason.
But this forgetfulness is going to get me in trouble. If alcohol were involved, thats fine but its not. I've noticed in the last several months I'll ask a person a question, they answer and then I have to tell them that I haven't a clue as to what they just said, say it again. Or I'm involved in a conversation, I am listening, then have to say "hang on, hang on, start again, what are you talking about". I'm not thinking about something else, thats just it, my mind seems blank I guess.
Here's an annoying one. Driving in the car, flicking through the radio stations looking for something I want to listen to. Driving, driving then find myself getting super annoyed, agitated or something. Whats the problem? I'll realize I've left the station on a chinese station or some kind of wailing pakastani music. Then I get real annoyed like "fuck shut..........UPPPPP already. Then a few minutes later I'll do the same thing. Thats when I think "I am REALLY getting on my nerves!!!!!!" I think I pretty much do this everyday.
I think I'm starting to get embarassed about it too. I'm constantly apologizing, explaining all the while, I know that people are giving me the sideways look "whats up with Tracey? Its 8:45 AM; has she been drinking?" and if they're not thinking that I'm wondering if they're starting to pity me because they're sensing the onset of my senility. I think I'll totally flip out if I start seeing that or they start gently dabbing at the drool dripping out of my mouth.
Here's a short list of my symptoms:
- I've realized "living in the past" is kinda fun.
- I've peeeeed my pants; twice I think, if it was more, I forgot. Once from sheer excitement and another time when Steve was chasing me around the island in the kitchen and he actually caught me and we're not talking a "little accident" this is a complete bladder empty right on the floor - both times. If THAT is not a complete turn-on then I don't know what is.
- The other night I think I fell asleep sitting UP watching TV.
- Sometimes when I do things, ie. put clothes in the washer/dryer, taking dishes out of the diswasher I'm actually counting them in my head (maybe just maybe this is due to counting reps?).
- I talk about grocery prices; except doing this with my grandmother can send me right over the deep end so I know I'm not THAT old yet.
- I've forgotten what I'm talking about; in the middle of saying something and my voice just screeches to a halt, just blank, the end, no idea what I was talking about.
- Anyone ever wondered why I've kept that stupid "Flower" name? Because I remember it from days gone by, thats why.
- This one drives me COMPLETELY NUTS!!!! I remember telephone numbers, bank accounts, but some peoples birthday I can't. For example my grandmother's is it the 15th or 16th? I ask every year, my mom's 6th or 8th? Randy's (my ex, and I need it alot plus we talk all the time so I do the birthday thing, um 2 days of it I guess) he thinks I'm kidding when after 14 years or so I've got to say is it the 11th or 12th "c'mon, c'mon just tell me" he's gotten to the point of saying "forget it Trace, figure it out for yourself". Ask me right now! I'm being honest when I say I STILL DON'T KNOW when these people's birthdays are, everyone else I remember.
I've forgotten my other symptoms so maybe I'll just come back here daily and add to them at my leisure.
One thing I do wish I could FORGET is that I told my auntie Eileen about this blog; now she's going to be watching my every move, the old coot. But then again she just had a real old birthday on Saturday and with her age she's probably forgotten about this anyway because she's waaaaaay older than me, bahaaahaaaahaaa. I hope she sees this. I'm going to tell her its Dayna, not me.
posted by Tracey at 5:11 AM 15 comments links to this post
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Define TRUE Love
EDIT - I just finished writing this and I'm a little teary; would just one person read this whole thing through? Just one.
I've been carrying around a little (HUGE) bombshell that was dropped on me about a week ago - I'm dropping it here. Its ironic too because I just read Steff's blog about love. Is there such a thing as true love? I read some article just the other day that scientist's "latest studies" have shown that real "true" love lasts about a year - MAX! I rarely write about anything of any significance here (as we all know & read). I blubbered out the stuff about my mom dying back in October when I started this blogging and that was true and sincere but there hasn't been much written here of any importance. This post will be the same; for me, its serious.
Its a "love" story so to speak, but then again, you be the judge.
This is about my parents but I have to give a bit of background and you can't tell a 42 year old story in one page. Its a long story so I wonder just how much of it will be read. My parents were in high school, Grade 10 to be exact. Story goes, my mom was one of those popular "it" girls, head cheerleader, voted most popular, best legs, best dancer that kind of crap they did in those days. My dad was "star" football player and had a very promising hockey career. They get pregnant at 17 with their most prized posession (that would be me) and get married. So there they are, teenagers, a grade 10 education and bawling me. My mom went from dance queen to teen mother & housewife and my dad went to work, played semi-pro hockey for a few years and I guess couldn't hold on to his dreams anymore. By the time they were 23 they had 3 kids and youth was a thing of the past. They had their share of problems - finding themselves going from young love to the real world. Most of you know the figure skating became all of our lives; it literally took over. They had relationship problems if my memory serves me. My dad bought a book on how to build houses, built a nice home for us and then up and quite his job with another older man and now they're "custom home builders".
We lived in nice homes but moved alot; between public school & high school I went to about 8 different schools. Through all this we're skating night & day and they're paying for it. I didn't know until I was an adult just how much they were paying for it. My mom told me about how many mortgages they had, electricity being cut off while we were at school, borrowing money to get it back on before we got home, sending us to school and not knowing what we were going to eat for supper, apparently it was pretty bad. You'd never know this though. In the meantime my brother has started hockey and they're travelling for him too.
The skating in alot of ways with my dad was shit. I know now the financial burden my dad carried but he stopped coming to the rink claiming he didn't want to see yet another one of my coach's new fur coats that "he'd paid for". Never ever once did he say anything positive about the skating, it was constant criticism - I mean constant. He told us once upon being introduced to someone that they knew his name because "oh, you're the guy with those figure skating girls". That had to have made him proud - a little bit. But nope, not a word of praise.
I'm getting off track here. The only reason I mention this is because I think its a huge part of their love story. Fast forward, they've got 2 girls that skipped a grade, very promising skating careers and at about 14 or 15 we're full swing in the party scene. I found my first "true" love at 15 and he was a small time drug dealer and there's lots of fun to be had there. So there they are not even 35 and life for them was probably sheer hell.
I asked my mom after my sister and I had moved to Toronto and my brother was playing Junior "A" hockey in another city if she regretted how her life had gone, didn't she feel like she'd missed out???? She said no, I'm 40 years old I've got all you kids out of my hair, your dad and I are finally financially secure, OUR LIVES ARE JUST STARTING!!!!! Well okay, so be it. I know life was shit for many of those years but heh, if this is what you want, fine.
So my dad's business has really picked up and my mom's involved. He needs her and she needs him (him moreso). Over all these years my dad has carried some bitterness and it shows. He's cold, cynical, sarcastic, plenty miserable, does not show any affection (yes I got the customary hug hello & goodbye sometimes tighter than others). To this day when we speak I'm about 10 or 12 years old with the emotional intellect to prove it, he sees this and never misses a beat to tell me to act my age. This is the type of relationship we've got. Are you picking up on the guilt I'm carrying?
Anywaaaaaayyyyyssss, through all their trials and tribulations I never ever heard them once speak of splitting up. They were in it together and boy did they stick together. The few times they were apart were the times only my mom travelled with us for skating; made sense, he had to work but they wouldn't even go anywhere without the other. Stuck together like glue. They settled into middle aged years together bickering. There's so many other things I can get into but we've got to move on.
So my mom gets sick. They're scared; really scared. Like alot of couples one can survive alone better than the other - that would be my mom. I knew my dad wasn't going to take this well at all and he didn't (more gory details might be back in October's blogging but I'm not going back there right now). He was devastated. It got to the point where I wasn't even thinking about my mom dying, all my focus was on him. Sitting here just thinking about it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. The night before I left to come home we had a huge fight; we're both crying and screaming. He was so fucking mean and even though I knew emotions were running so high it was just awful. He even got me to understand in some way that even though I'd lost my mother who no matter what was always my friend what he'd lost was far far more. I told him I understood, he freaked right out saying that no, no, no I could NEVER understand the loss. I saw the loss in him, in some ways seeing this was more heartbreaking than loosing my mom. One thing is for certain, he loved my mom so much, I could see him dying right before my eyes. He told me to go home, DO NOT call him, he'll call me; he told me this pointing his finger in my face and I actually think I saw some kind of hate or maybe it was heartbreak, I don't know but he sure the hell didn't want me then. Thats how I left.
When I got home I saw that he'd called. WTF???? Its not that we don't talk but he's never called. I think he did once when he wanted me to check out a car he wanted to buy. In an hour he'd called 3 times (I found out later, yup he'd had to get my number from my brother). So we patched things up.
So we've talked many times since then, its brief but thats okay, its normal. Then he calls to say happy birthday. First of all he's saved my number well thats good, second I don't believe he's ever called to say happy birthday I'd talk to him because my mom called to say happy birthday, third I didn't think he knew when my birthday was (remember I said he doesn't even know how old I am, he thinks I'm 10 or 12 and if there's anyone that would have had an impact on his life it would have been me because I changed it for good when I was born), and fourth he's 2 days late!!!!!! He kinda chuckles and says well he was out of town. I ask him out of town - where? Where do you think he says. Well my mom & dad used to drive to the states for the weekend ALOT, that was their little outing/weekend getaways, boring but thats what they did. I felt so sad, sick, depressed. What that must have felt like.
The next night my sister calls; its bed time, me & Steve are watching TV in bed and I'm annoyed, she knows not to call. She says I'd better sit down for what she has to tell me. Something's up - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG????? Tracey, sorry to call so late, why don't we talk in the morning? YOU TELL ME NOW, RIGHT NOW DAYNA - WHATS WRONG????? If Dayna would have told me that my grandmother died or my dad I think I would have been more prepared. "Dad met someone" Whaaaaaaaaattttt???? I lost it and I mean lost it. Steve starts trying to comfort me, I think I hit him with the phone, Dayna says let me talk to Steve, I whipped the phone at Steve.
Then.......I calm down. I find myself with this sense of relief I think it was. I'm confused but I'm thinking I'm feeling relief, something has "lifted" off me or something. But the betrayal or whatever it was just happened 10 minutes ago. Later I talk more with Dayna, she tells me he's being very open and honest about this. Should I call? I call him that night. He is very open and honest, we talked about things that would have no importance here or to anyone but us. He tells me that my mom and him had talked about some things, said she was very clear on 3 things: that he was not to move in with my grandmother, he was not to go home and drink and look at the lake for the rest of his life, and last if an opportunity came along he was to take it and move on with his life. My dad is a very proud man and he seems to have some kind of honour about him. He may have his faults but they certainly don't lie in dignity or being an asshole (thats only for his family, okay that was mean but its true). He does not make stupid decisions, do anything "flighty" and anyone and everyone that meets him or knows him has nothing but respect for him (this is true). This latest stint would be way out of character as in no way, no how, uh-uh, no, no, no.
My mom died October 20th, thats 4 months ago! He wants this kept between the 4 of us for now. Well yeah, I know why. My aunts (my mom's sisters) are so devastated for my dad, you'r poor dad, how's he doing? Whats going to happen to him? This new woman was hired to come into their house a couple of times a month to do some basic cleaning for my dad. I can picture what I think happened. My mom's stuff left lying where it sat, nobody moved anything, I remember eating supper with her sewing machine sitting next to my plate. She asked questions, he gave a bit, she asked another question and it went from there. I asked my dad what she was like and as per his usual, not very complimentary replied with "I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised". My brother met her, she's apparently very pretty (his words -she's quite an attractive woman), very nice and has great teeth and a great smile.
When I've talked to my dad he seems different; somehow with some reserved excitement or something, honest and optimistic. My sister has had some good conversations with him too. There's so so much more I can go on about but this writing has to stop somewhere.
People naturally put their dearly departed up on a pedestal after they're gone. My mom's no different, not that she wasn't great before but she's taken on a new life for me. Going back to what I wrote back in October I believe I wrote something like "nobody can save him or help him but her". Well I can put my OWN fairy tale spin on this story. I picture this woman walking up the driveway and my mom plodding, pushing her along "go on, go on, its okay" and my dad opening the door to this nice pretty woman with the great smile "hello" she says, and my mom in her matter of fact voice says "there you go Jerry". There has always been a riff with my dad and us. When my mom was dying I know this bothered her and she said as much. Dayna and I wonder if this woman just might change all our lives. One thing I can say about my mom, she might have been basic, if anyone remembers my pigeon story (?) - I'd say "a PIGEON mom, c'mon?" I can hear her now "well thats the best I can do" and laughing "and what the hell is wrong with a pigeon, there's nothing wrong with a pigeon". Again, this up on the pedestal thing; but this is the truth, whenever she did something it was always right, whenever she said something she was always right and yes I've accused her of setting a standard so high that I have to struggle to meet it. If she had a "hand" in this it could very well save our family and she knows this. So thank you mommy if you sent her, I love you and we'll never forget you.......ever. Oh and mom, one more thing, if she wrecks your lillies I'll fix her clock, not to worry.
posted by Tracey at 3:32 AM 20 comments links to this post
Thursday, February 23, 2006
A Spade Is a Spade
This may be a controversial subject for some, some may be offended while some may have some feathers ruffled and yet some may stand in agreement.
I came across this on bodybuilding.com - its actually a direct link from a tracker member (their homepage).
http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/trans25.htm
More importantly, these are the comments that went along with it:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=518316
(Am I the only person on planet earth that can't make addresses clickable - why don't I know how to do this arrrgh!!!!!!)
There's a reason I'm dredging this up again; its purely to examine myself, my own goals, my beliefs, my common sense and my so called "BFL Journey".
I bought the book and brought it into work to photocopy the blank workout pages. I waited for my boss to come in so I could sit at his desk and brag about my new project. Coversation went something like this:
me: wanna see what I'm gonna do
Ed: what now?
me: 12 weeks Ed, this is what I'm gonna look like; Janice is going to be sooo jealous (Janice is his wife and is in tip top condition plus a few years older than me)
I open the book and show him the before & afters.
Ed: (laughing) Tracey, get the fuck out of my office with that bullshit
me: its not bullshit Ed, instead of shooting off your big mouth why don't you take a look at it (Ed's out of shape)
Ed: you know Tracey I thought you had a bit more sense than to fall for this kind of advertising - did you get the ab roller yet?
me: oh shaddup Ed, you're such a bitch, you know what, you're going to be that old man that all the kids through crab apples at
He yells at me some more, tells me he's not paying me for this crap, get back to work, get something done around here for a change, blah, blah (you may think he's an asshole; he can be but I just laugh). I'm back at my desk, then "Tracey, bring me that stupid book". Sensing some kind of enthusiasm, I sit down for our chat. He tells me to get the hell back to my desk, do something he can actually pay me for and to just leave it with him. After awhile,
Ed: Tracey - get in here (I come eagerly) - look at these heads
me: whats wrong?
Ed: they're all out of wack, they're out of proportion
me now getting pissed: WTF are you talking about now?
He starts measuring; won't get into it detail by detail but sure enough he's measured everyone, for example, one guy's head was the size from his chin to his naval, arm length, whatever, there were several. So we sat and talked about it. He did admit that it looked like a good solid program but you're not going to look like a photoshop picture. Gave him my up & down look and left it with a "yeah, well we'll see about that". We'll skip the boring details of how hard I worked and all that but no, I didn't get the advertised results. Trust me when I say THATS OKAY, I didn't need that or set out to win a million.
After seeing some of these comments coming from whom I'm assuming some are more experienced bodybuilders than myself or people on tracker (that is by no means an insult) I just feel the need to say something like "told ya so". My bitchy cynical self brought this up (subtly???) on tracker. I know nobody wanted to hear that shit that I was saying. I do believe people are more genetically inclined than others but this one just didn't sit right with me - ever. I have no idea why. I questioned it and questioned it, then I questioned myself questioning it. I even received the most upbeat pm from this person with somewhat of a diet/exercise breakdown (which looked like it was cut & pasted straight from the article above) and should I need ANY guidance, advice, encouragement, "I'm here for ya man" send a pm anytime, oh and don't forget to have a "rockin BFL day". Well I just let it go summing it up to I'm just cynical and negative. Along comes averiesmommy (Cheryl Muir); I just about went through the roof. How the hell did she do that???? For some reason I never questioned her transformation, I guess she came across as genuine and "believable" - would that be the word? Her transformation was certainly no less dramatic thats for sure. So now I start questioning myself with the focus, determination, discipline, intensity the whole thing; still in the back of my mind that one "awesome" transformation just isn't flying - why?
This little blurb I just typed serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. If there is a point to be made (and this would be directed at me only) BFL was probably the most important thing I've ever started - but it is just that - a start. My hope is that as time goes on any new BB program will become more important than the last. The advertisements served their purpose too, they worked, even though I do question some of them. I remember initially starting this and explaining to an acquaintance the basics of the program she said "6 reps? what are you supposed to get out of that" and I remember answering "I guess what you put into it".
And hey, if you have an opinion on what I just wrote but don't think I'll like it, say it anyway, I'm not going to argue but would appreciate & respect the honesty is all.
posted by Tracey at 5:07 PM 24 comments links to this post
Monday, February 20, 2006
One More Pussy Post
This is Maurice.
I'm more of a dog person than a cat person. We had a cat Oscar that looked very similar to him. Oscar for some reason fell totally in love with me. He was for my girls but we all knew that really he was my cat. He died this time last year (long story).
Steve and the girls found him at the local Humane Society and they gave him the name Maurice. We can't come up with any other names that there is no arguement about so it looks like Maurice it will be. He was picked up as a stray. He's micro-chipped but somehow the chip wasn't traceable and nobody claimed him. He's about 4 years old and has been declawed (why?????). We got him Saturday and he's supposedly my birthday present.
Since he's been "home" its like he's always lived here. He's perfectly calm, purrs as soon as you look at him, he's a bit pompous and snooty, but seems quite calm and gentle. So far he fits in with us perfectly. How could anyone not have come to claim this beautiful cat????? Well now he's ours and we're glad to have him.
AND LOOK HOW NICELY HE MATCHES MY HOUSE - ITS A PERFECT MATCH!!! MEOW....
posted by Tracey at 7:32 PM 18 comments links to this post
PUNISHMENT
Well if there's ever been a post of mine that will carry too much information, this will be it. For various reasons we've all gone through "dry spells" with sex haven't we? Do you want to know what my PUNISHMENT is for this?????? Urinary Tract Infection!!!!!!! Every damn time!!!!!!! I've spoken to other people about this and they will concur. Its not that I'm holding out; its just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. Why the need to be punished for it?????
As soon as everything's back on schedule I'm no longer punished. Can anyone relate to this???? I'll go to the doctor and get that look "oh I see you've been fucked pretty good this weekend Tracey?" Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me the damn pills & shuddup about it.
posted by Tracey at 6:40 AM 10 comments links to this post
Thursday, February 16, 2006
TRACKER BLASPHEMY
WARNING: R-rated, opinionated, warped/cuckoo (?), critical, whiny post.
People have asked what happened on tracker the other day; what was it that I said. What happened was as we all know, tracker gets the r-rated category. Mellie shows up with tassles on her breasts (why do I envision her with bright red lipstick smeared all over her face?). Within ONE minute she's called out Moggie on the "fuck them" thread. No big deal, Moggie can fight her own battles just fine. Within a couple of minutes I'm irritated as hell. She's like a damn pinball machine - just continuous "ding, ding, ding". If you're not playing the pinball game the constant monotonous ding ding can drive you nuts, it just doesn't sound fun - would somebody please pull that fucking dinging plug!!!!!!!!
Somehow I saw this as senseless on Mellie's part. She doesn't just ease into this slowly nope, just splat, she's there. The Webmaster steps in and Mellie goes to the "cracking the whip" thread with "I love a man that takes control of two women fighting! Assertiveness is a HUGE turn on! What else do you want me to do? =P" then immediately follows that with "Come on, show of hands...who else likes it rough? =)". In the meantime (and afterwards and after that) there's all the other drivel.
By now you all probably know me just as well as Mellie and are aware that my filtration system from brain to mouth (or keyboard) is defunct at times and I immediately jump on that one with something to the effect of "you want to see a show of hands? How about one middle finger - here's mine, can we see everyone else's middle finger?" I go on to tell her she's annoying as hell and she needs to CALM THE FUCK DOWN, she's acting like a complete idiot and the Mellie, agent, lawyer, freakshow with their post after post of senselessness drone has me embarassed for them, muster up some class at least and a bit of whit or personality so we can at least be entertained, stop acting like a rabid dog, she just REALLY NEEDS TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN once & for all.
I do know I was wrong in what I did, just shut up & ignore her. But like an immature kid all I can say in my best whine is "but, but its true". And I don't really care if anyone disagrees I KNOW WHAT I SAID IS TRUE and thats that. So as I said there, I sat & waited for my PM from the WM - pop - there it is right on schedule. Basically it was tsk, tsk, oh Flower, very bad, should have pm'd her, all which I knew of course. Because its tracker and because I knew I should be above this shit I did go back to delete it but as the WM said, he did it for me which was fine because Mellie saw it and that was what was important. Why was it important? Oh, who the hell knows; if Mellie can spew her shit so can I. Lo & behold Mellie packed up her profile & out she went because she "can't have any fun around here". What people made out of my "sorry Mellie" I don't know nor do I care; I just thought it was the MOST IDIOTIC thing I could say at the moment. And really what I was trying to do was be an idiot. I think it was about 2 hours after the "sorreeeeeyyyyy Mellieeeeeeee" she was back with tassles swinging, fresh bright red lipstick applied & a "g-string only baby, g-string only" and they were all back in the mud. I posted on her shave thread just for the hell of it; I don't know if I'd say "she's all over it" but its like nothing happened, tassles definately a-swingin, both guns blazing. I now know I need to stay away from her. She will get me worked up and what really bugs me is that I am getting worked up. What the end result will be is me looking like just as bit of an idiot will it not? Why does it always sound like a lie when someone says "but I really don't care". I really DON'T care. She just makes me feel like a manipulative cat playing cat-n-mouse just for the sake of playing cat-n-mouse. I'm not a hungry cat, don't want to eat the mouse, just bat it around for awhile.
Anyway, for those of you that think I am being mean, I really am not for the most part and truly believe people should just live & let live. Maybe I'm unfair??? I don't care who you are, what you are as long as you're likeable I like you; but............I live in Tracey's world. Who knows, with stuff like this post I may end up coming across as a Mellie #2.
This is how I see a Mellie party.
Finally, I can now say Mellie is entertaining me.
Thank you ebaumsworld for capturing Mellie in her own realm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know (rolling my eyes)..........but I just had to put these in before someone told me to grow up & act my age. THATS IT!!!!!! NO MORE!!!!!! From now on, I declare, I will be mature damnit!!!!!
posted by Tracey at 3:32 AM 32 comments links to this post
Sunday, February 12, 2006
THE FUNNIEST SHOE EVER - A MUST READ!!!!!!
I must say I don't believe I have ever read anything on the computer as funny as this. I go to T-Nation every now & then and those folks can be a bit harsh. I don't know if this guy was serious or not but he posts this picture asking what guess would be his bodyfat.
Regardless of whether he was serious or not, the slew of comments & pictures that came with that first post had me laughing so hard I had to stop reading at certain points. Here's just a couple of examples; people went absolutely crazy with this post. Honestly, if you like sarcastic humour you've got to read this. I HAVE NEVER EVER READ ANYTHING THIS FUNNY ON THE COMPUTER EVER!!!!!!!!!
The things people came up with over this one damn shoe is probably the most creative humour I've seen in a long time. It is lengthy but take the time to go through all the pages - ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!! I wish I could take some credit for contributing to this.
Here's the address:
http://www.t-nation.com/readTopic.do?id=868493
EDIT: Had to add some more examples; these people should spend less time bodybuilding and focus on their comedy.
After pages & pages of ridiculous comments the guy finally came back with "enough already". This is what he gets in response:
The comments just keep coming & coming; this guy writes "What in blazes is my bodyfat?"
I stress - a definate must read.
EDIT - one more time......
Had to add just one more - whats Steve's BF%?????????
posted by Tracey at 7:59 AM 20 comments links to this post
Friday, February 10, 2006
Ramblings on the Therapist's Couch
I've given more thought to the eating issues and these thoughts are in no way a conclusion, justification nor anwer to any problems. First of all there is the all so common need to fulfill oneself internally, well yeah, thats a given. Another given is the pms - is it really true we are burning more calories during this time? Here's another thing; as I mentioned I am craving different things than I have in the past. I heard a story a long time ago (I don't remember who told me this but it was very long ago and I've never forgotten this story). A small boy around 18 mos if I remember correctly, was licking the soles of shoes. When his mother brought him to the doctor he told her not to worry about it, he was lacking something as in a mineral or something, and was reacting on instinct. Sounds bizarre and no I don't know if its true. But here's just one more "weird" thing. I've never liked ham, my mom used to make ham & scalloped potatoes for Easter every year, I always hated that meal and have never really liked ham. I've bought these cute little low fat honey smoked hams for the rest of the family since there's no reason why they can't have ham. Then I tasted it - delicious; I swear I could eat one of these hams like an apple no fork & knife required. What the hell do these hams have that I want or need? So what I've done is applied this shoe story to myself. No, I doubt I am lacking sugar but I'm sure the hell lacking something and have a need to fulfill it. I will say I am hungry. I literally can't believe my eyes when I see someone write "its so much food, I can't get it all in" - well pass your plate honey and let me show you how its done.
Its been 3 or 4 weeks now alcohol free. I mentioned to Pamela that alcohol is supposed to be a depressant - I don't know. I'm certainly not missing it but my mood has been nothing short of blah, boring, blue, miserable, morbid - I'm not having fun. Just like on Friends; remember one of Monica's boyfriends "fun Bobby"? Everyone loved him, he was so much fun. Then he quit drinking - no longer fun, nobody wanted to be around him and Monica had to dump his ass. While I don't need it, I've got to wonder if it takes the edge off, something I can let my hair down with - personality in a bottle? I don't give a shit if anyone calls me an alcoholic, no I'm not in denial, no I'm not in the closet, nobody is going to stage an intervention. It didn't inhibit weight loss or fitness last year (maybe a missed workout or 2 that I made up the next day and yes some good junk food cravings in the aftermath). So far I don't see how this has helped me so I may or may not see if I can get some personality back.
There are other thoughts of "I don't care" - making myself not care then having a reason to whine & beat myself up. What a delightful individual to be around. Steve and I have actually gotten into fights about this. I'm going to spill my guts a bit. He goes on & on about how beautiful I am, how turned on he is, I always look good, after all these years he gets more & more attracted to me (gotta wonder about someone attracted to this shit, ha, ha), quit calling myself down, blah, blah, blah. He has this "nickname" for me that actually makes me cringe and have actually spitefully said to him that the "name" doesn't mean anything, its a joke, sarcasm, and I know its to make fun of me (I've got a lump in my throat and I'm actually confused just typing this). Keep in mind that he calls me this more than he calls me Tracey so it is an every day thing. Okay, here goes, gulp, its "beauty". I actually get embarassed; my sister makes fun of me, calls the house asking to speak to the beauty - very funny. Enough about this, yes I do realize my thinking & actions can cause some heavy damage on our relationship.
I've spoken to my doctor and have decided to go off the Wellbutrin (not on his recommendation, he told me wait until spring). I've also wondered if its helping me to gain weight. He told me to think about if I wanted to talk to someone which I may or may not do. These issues are my own which if I use my brain I'll be able to figure out on my own. All brains are pretty much created equal its how you use it that makes a difference. Is it not a fact that the brain is not used 100% to its full potential? Varying degrees differ from person to person so its a matter of using it properly. There's nothing wrong with my brain but there's something wrong with the way I'm using it. It is powerful and is wasting away using it in the manner in which I have been doing lately.
I've decided to reset my goals. Subconcsiously I've been using figure/fitness competitors "in season" as my ideal. Duh, its an ABNORMAL look. While I will continue to still admire such specimens, I've "fallen in love" with someone/something else. Yes, there's lots of pictures of her but thats because she's my "beauty"!!!! First thing that attracted me was no implants; I'm getting sick of implants even though I'd most likely take them were they given to me. She's close to my age & is my height & I see similarities in our body structure (except the genetically given boy bum and the exceptionally pretty face). I see her with a look that with the proper "brainset" might be more achievable and with some moderate discipline, maintained. If I was to be a replica so to speak, it would mean about a 10 lb. weight loss, 2 inches off the waist, an inch off the hips, not sure what the decrease would be in fat percentage, some bum reconfiguration and not doable, an increase to a C cup. I know that "any look" is possible, but does she not look like a more reasonable goal than Jenny Lynn, Mary Elizabeth Lado or Monica Brant?
Afterthought: these ramblings are just that - ramblings that are all over the place. No sense in trying to make it a smooth flowing story just get it out and move on from this shit.
posted by Tracey at 3:09 AM 15 comments links to this post
Monday, February 06, 2006
Bi-Polar Screw Up is What I Am!!!!!!!!!
I'm in a bad way. There's your warning; if you continue to read don't blame me for being in a downer mood. Everything is fucked. I decided this weekend that the reason I'm eating is to totally screw myself so that I have a reason for failing. I'll explain further - see if I do my absolute "best" and I still don't think I'm a success well then that would make me a complete failure. So if I eat myself into blubbery I can say I didn't succeed because I screwed up. Everyone talks about life's ups & downs but I'm telling you, you don't want to be where I am right now. I'm sad, lonely, depressed, hungry, tired, lazy, unmotivated but when I exercise it is in a flurry and with a passion I've never known. No matter what, I still will not miss a workout. I'm getting bigger/fatter everyday.
I don't understand the eating. This time last year if I wanted to pig out it would be something like pasta or chicken wings with blue cheese, ribeye steak with garlic bread/cheese & ceasar salad not chocolate, ice cream, cookies, avocados, peanut butter. I've never been a cookie eater!!!!! I've gone back to reading again and I'm in a state because the weeks I am eating good I can't figure out if my calories are too low, too high, protein too high - ratios are usually about 20F/30C/50 calories 1400 - 1700.
It just seems like I'm always pissed off at myself. The guilt is overwhelming and I wonder if I'm just going to crash and say the hell with everything. Everyone seems so on track and I just got to wonder why I haven't slipped into this comfortably like everyone else and can't help but wonder if this past year has been all for nothing.
SWITCH TO THE OTHER SIDE
Now there is something I'm very happy about. I came across some information about exercise bands. From what I've read they are the most wonderful workout you can get. Seems that according to this guy you can't get any better workout than this. I'd love to get any of your opinions if you have the time to read it, here's the address:
http://www.leeapperson.com/cables/
Right now I'm pretty excited about this; I really liked what this guy had to say. If it does what he claims it does I think it may be exactly what I need right now. My 25th (gag) birthday is soon and I told Steve what I want is that contraption I got for Christmas taken apart and returned and I want these things. He told me "sure no problem" and this is what he plopped in front of me.
Any words of wisdom, encouragement, secrets to success, or just a simple shuddup, quit your whining & get back to work would be much appreciated.
posted by Tracey at 5:33 PM 11 comments links to this post
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Only Because I have absolutely NOTHING to Say
Check out how abnormal I am - the last one. Freaking SCARY!!!!!! If you ever have the opportunity to meet me - DON'T!!!!! If you recognize me walking down the street cross the street even if a streetcar is coming!!! If you live in the same city as me apply for a restraining order promptly after reading this. And for God's sake, if I have your phone number and you don't have call screening - GET IT NOW!!!!!!!
Your Hillbilly Name Is...
Ellie Mae Rambler
Hillbilly Name Generator
Your Blog Should Be Orange
Your writing has a star quality - it's charming, bold, and flamboyant.
You write what's on your mind, without fear of embarrassment later.
You are one of the most honest bloggers around, and people appreciate your daring persona.
What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?
What Your Face Says
At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious.
Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic.
With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.
In love, you seem intelligent and a bit intimidating.
In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.
What Do People Think Of Your Face?
You Are An Invisible Ex
You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex
You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind
As they say, indifference is the opposite of love!
What Type of Ex Are You?
You Are 48% Abnormal
You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul.
You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.
You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection.
You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.
You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.
How Abnormal Are You?
posted by Tracey at 4:02 PM 10 comments links to this post
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Colour Me Idiotic
I had to copy this; the html code wouldn't work. The only reason I bothered to post this was BECAUSE IT WAS SO DAMN TRUE!!!!!!!! I'm actually quite surprised! Plus I did it twice & it came out the same.
Tracey's Existing Situation
Working to create for herself a firm foundation on which to erect a secure, comfortable, and problem-free future, in which she will be granted respect and recognition.
Tracey's Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.
Tracey's Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict.
Tracey's Desired Objective
Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
Tracey's Actual Problem
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.
posted by Tracey at 8:27 AM 3 comments links to this post
About Me
My Photo
Name:Tracey
Location:Oakville, Ontario, Canada
SAHM with 2 girls who wants out of the rat race & suburbia
View my complete profile
Links
o Lynn's blog
o Eileen's blog
o Jim's blog
o Jennifer's blog
o Jess's blog
o Karenna's blog
o T N T
o Jamber
o Go4Steffie
o Mary's blog
o Christie's blog
o NICO
o Tai's blog
o Buffmother
o Goddessa
o Krush blog
o Karla's blog
o Connie's blog
o Supergirl's blog
o Dreamcatcher/Jennifer's blog
o Pamela's blog
o Persephone's blog
Previous Posts
o Tracey Is Back........with Another House
o WHY WHY WHY!!!
o The results are in!!!!
o The Queen is Home!!!!!
o Weekend Leave...
o It's Time
o Poor Tracey....
o Whooowee Baby
o ALRIIIIIGHTY!!!
o Blog Update - Current Status........
Archives
o October 2005
o November 2005
o December 2005
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o February 2006
o March 2006
o April 2006
o May 2006
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I Forget...........
I'm getting old or older or something. But my eyes haven't started to go or my hearing. The hearing is fine; if I don't hear something its probably better I didn't hear it anyway for whatever reason.
But this forgetfulness is going to get me in trouble. If alcohol were involved, thats fine but its not. I've noticed in the last several months I'll ask a person a question, they answer and then I have to tell them that I haven't a clue as to what they just said, say it again. Or I'm involved in a conversation, I am listening, then have to say "hang on, hang on, start again, what are you talking about". I'm not thinking about something else, thats just it, my mind seems blank I guess.
Here's an annoying one. Driving in the car, flicking through the radio stations looking for something I want to listen to. Driving, driving then find myself getting super annoyed, agitated or something. Whats the problem? I'll realize I've left the station on a chinese station or some kind of wailing pakastani music. Then I get real annoyed like "fuck shut..........UPPPPP already. Then a few minutes later I'll do the same thing. Thats when I think "I am REALLY getting on my nerves!!!!!!" I think I pretty much do this everyday.
I think I'm starting to get embarassed about it too. I'm constantly apologizing, explaining all the while, I know that people are giving me the sideways look "whats up with Tracey? Its 8:45 AM; has she been drinking?" and if they're not thinking that I'm wondering if they're starting to pity me because they're sensing the onset of my senility. I think I'll totally flip out if I start seeing that or they start gently dabbing at the drool dripping out of my mouth.
Here's a short list of my symptoms:
- I've realized "living in the past" is kinda fun.
- I've peeeeed my pants; twice I think, if it was more, I forgot. Once from sheer excitement and another time when Steve was chasing me around the island in the kitchen and he actually caught me and we're not talking a "little accident" this is a complete bladder empty right on the floor - both times. If THAT is not a complete turn-on then I don't know what is.
- The other night I think I fell asleep sitting UP watching TV.
- Sometimes when I do things, ie. put clothes in the washer/dryer, taking dishes out of the diswasher I'm actually counting them in my head (maybe just maybe this is due to counting reps?).
- I talk about grocery prices; except doing this with my grandmother can send me right over the deep end so I know I'm not THAT old yet.
- I've forgotten what I'm talking about; in the middle of saying something and my voice just screeches to a halt, just blank, the end, no idea what I was talking about.
- Anyone ever wondered why I've kept that stupid "Flower" name? Because I remember it from days gone by, thats why.
- This one drives me COMPLETELY NUTS!!!! I remember telephone numbers, bank accounts, but some peoples birthday I can't. For example my grandmother's is it the 15th or 16th? I ask every year, my mom's 6th or 8th? Randy's (my ex, and I need it alot plus we talk all the time so I do the birthday thing, um 2 days of it I guess) he thinks I'm kidding when after 14 years or so I've got to say is it the 11th or 12th "c'mon, c'mon just tell me" he's gotten to the point of saying "forget it Trace, figure it out for yourself". Ask me right now! I'm being honest when I say I STILL DON'T KNOW when these people's birthdays are, everyone else I remember.
I've forgotten my other symptoms so maybe I'll just come back here daily and add to them at my leisure.
One thing I do wish I could FORGET is that I told my auntie Eileen about this blog; now she's going to be watching my every move, the old coot. But then again she just had a real old birthday on Saturday and with her age she's probably forgotten about this anyway because she's waaaaaay older than me, bahaaahaaaahaaa. I hope she sees this. I'm going to tell her its Dayna, not me.
posted by Tracey at 5:11 AM 15 comments links to this post
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Define TRUE Love
EDIT - I just finished writing this and I'm a little teary; would just one person read this whole thing through? Just one.
I've been carrying around a little (HUGE) bombshell that was dropped on me about a week ago - I'm dropping it here. Its ironic too because I just read Steff's blog about love. Is there such a thing as true love? I read some article just the other day that scientist's "latest studies" have shown that real "true" love lasts about a year - MAX! I rarely write about anything of any significance here (as we all know & read). I blubbered out the stuff about my mom dying back in October when I started this blogging and that was true and sincere but there hasn't been much written here of any importance. This post will be the same; for me, its serious.
Its a "love" story so to speak, but then again, you be the judge.
This is about my parents but I have to give a bit of background and you can't tell a 42 year old story in one page. Its a long story so I wonder just how much of it will be read. My parents were in high school, Grade 10 to be exact. Story goes, my mom was one of those popular "it" girls, head cheerleader, voted most popular, best legs, best dancer that kind of crap they did in those days. My dad was "star" football player and had a very promising hockey career. They get pregnant at 17 with their most prized posession (that would be me) and get married. So there they are, teenagers, a grade 10 education and bawling me. My mom went from dance queen to teen mother & housewife and my dad went to work, played semi-pro hockey for a few years and I guess couldn't hold on to his dreams anymore. By the time they were 23 they had 3 kids and youth was a thing of the past. They had their share of problems - finding themselves going from young love to the real world. Most of you know the figure skating became all of our lives; it literally took over. They had relationship problems if my memory serves me. My dad bought a book on how to build houses, built a nice home for us and then up and quite his job with another older man and now they're "custom home builders".
We lived in nice homes but moved alot; between public school & high school I went to about 8 different schools. Through all this we're skating night & day and they're paying for it. I didn't know until I was an adult just how much they were paying for it. My mom told me about how many mortgages they had, electricity being cut off while we were at school, borrowing money to get it back on before we got home, sending us to school and not knowing what we were going to eat for supper, apparently it was pretty bad. You'd never know this though. In the meantime my brother has started hockey and they're travelling for him too.
The skating in alot of ways with my dad was shit. I know now the financial burden my dad carried but he stopped coming to the rink claiming he didn't want to see yet another one of my coach's new fur coats that "he'd paid for". Never ever once did he say anything positive about the skating, it was constant criticism - I mean constant. He told us once upon being introduced to someone that they knew his name because "oh, you're the guy with those figure skating girls". That had to have made him proud - a little bit. But nope, not a word of praise.
I'm getting off track here. The only reason I mention this is because I think its a huge part of their love story. Fast forward, they've got 2 girls that skipped a grade, very promising skating careers and at about 14 or 15 we're full swing in the party scene. I found my first "true" love at 15 and he was a small time drug dealer and there's lots of fun to be had there. So there they are not even 35 and life for them was probably sheer hell.
I asked my mom after my sister and I had moved to Toronto and my brother was playing Junior "A" hockey in another city if she regretted how her life had gone, didn't she feel like she'd missed out???? She said no, I'm 40 years old I've got all you kids out of my hair, your dad and I are finally financially secure, OUR LIVES ARE JUST STARTING!!!!! Well okay, so be it. I know life was shit for many of those years but heh, if this is what you want, fine.
So my dad's business has really picked up and my mom's involved. He needs her and she needs him (him moreso). Over all these years my dad has carried some bitterness and it shows. He's cold, cynical, sarcastic, plenty miserable, does not show any affection (yes I got the customary hug hello & goodbye sometimes tighter than others). To this day when we speak I'm about 10 or 12 years old with the emotional intellect to prove it, he sees this and never misses a beat to tell me to act my age. This is the type of relationship we've got. Are you picking up on the guilt I'm carrying?
Anywaaaaaayyyyyssss, through all their trials and tribulations I never ever heard them once speak of splitting up. They were in it together and boy did they stick together. The few times they were apart were the times only my mom travelled with us for skating; made sense, he had to work but they wouldn't even go anywhere without the other. Stuck together like glue. They settled into middle aged years together bickering. There's so many other things I can get into but we've got to move on.
So my mom gets sick. They're scared; really scared. Like alot of couples one can survive alone better than the other - that would be my mom. I knew my dad wasn't going to take this well at all and he didn't (more gory details might be back in October's blogging but I'm not going back there right now). He was devastated. It got to the point where I wasn't even thinking about my mom dying, all my focus was on him. Sitting here just thinking about it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. The night before I left to come home we had a huge fight; we're both crying and screaming. He was so fucking mean and even though I knew emotions were running so high it was just awful. He even got me to understand in some way that even though I'd lost my mother who no matter what was always my friend what he'd lost was far far more. I told him I understood, he freaked right out saying that no, no, no I could NEVER understand the loss. I saw the loss in him, in some ways seeing this was more heartbreaking than loosing my mom. One thing is for certain, he loved my mom so much, I could see him dying right before my eyes. He told me to go home, DO NOT call him, he'll call me; he told me this pointing his finger in my face and I actually think I saw some kind of hate or maybe it was heartbreak, I don't know but he sure the hell didn't want me then. Thats how I left.
When I got home I saw that he'd called. WTF???? Its not that we don't talk but he's never called. I think he did once when he wanted me to check out a car he wanted to buy. In an hour he'd called 3 times (I found out later, yup he'd had to get my number from my brother). So we patched things up.
So we've talked many times since then, its brief but thats okay, its normal. Then he calls to say happy birthday. First of all he's saved my number well thats good, second I don't believe he's ever called to say happy birthday I'd talk to him because my mom called to say happy birthday, third I didn't think he knew when my birthday was (remember I said he doesn't even know how old I am, he thinks I'm 10 or 12 and if there's anyone that would have had an impact on his life it would have been me because I changed it for good when I was born), and fourth he's 2 days late!!!!!! He kinda chuckles and says well he was out of town. I ask him out of town - where? Where do you think he says. Well my mom & dad used to drive to the states for the weekend ALOT, that was their little outing/weekend getaways, boring but thats what they did. I felt so sad, sick, depressed. What that must have felt like.
The next night my sister calls; its bed time, me & Steve are watching TV in bed and I'm annoyed, she knows not to call. She says I'd better sit down for what she has to tell me. Something's up - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG????? Tracey, sorry to call so late, why don't we talk in the morning? YOU TELL ME NOW, RIGHT NOW DAYNA - WHATS WRONG????? If Dayna would have told me that my grandmother died or my dad I think I would have been more prepared. "Dad met someone" Whaaaaaaaaattttt???? I lost it and I mean lost it. Steve starts trying to comfort me, I think I hit him with the phone, Dayna says let me talk to Steve, I whipped the phone at Steve.
Then.......I calm down. I find myself with this sense of relief I think it was. I'm confused but I'm thinking I'm feeling relief, something has "lifted" off me or something. But the betrayal or whatever it was just happened 10 minutes ago. Later I talk more with Dayna, she tells me he's being very open and honest about this. Should I call? I call him that night. He is very open and honest, we talked about things that would have no importance here or to anyone but us. He tells me that my mom and him had talked about some things, said she was very clear on 3 things: that he was not to move in with my grandmother, he was not to go home and drink and look at the lake for the rest of his life, and last if an opportunity came along he was to take it and move on with his life. My dad is a very proud man and he seems to have some kind of honour about him. He may have his faults but they certainly don't lie in dignity or being an asshole (thats only for his family, okay that was mean but its true). He does not make stupid decisions, do anything "flighty" and anyone and everyone that meets him or knows him has nothing but respect for him (this is true). This latest stint would be way out of character as in no way, no how, uh-uh, no, no, no.
My mom died October 20th, thats 4 months ago! He wants this kept between the 4 of us for now. Well yeah, I know why. My aunts (my mom's sisters) are so devastated for my dad, you'r poor dad, how's he doing? Whats going to happen to him? This new woman was hired to come into their house a couple of times a month to do some basic cleaning for my dad. I can picture what I think happened. My mom's stuff left lying where it sat, nobody moved anything, I remember eating supper with her sewing machine sitting next to my plate. She asked questions, he gave a bit, she asked another question and it went from there. I asked my dad what she was like and as per his usual, not very complimentary replied with "I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised". My brother met her, she's apparently very pretty (his words -she's quite an attractive woman), very nice and has great teeth and a great smile.
When I've talked to my dad he seems different; somehow with some reserved excitement or something, honest and optimistic. My sister has had some good conversations with him too. There's so so much more I can go on about but this writing has to stop somewhere.
People naturally put their dearly departed up on a pedestal after they're gone. My mom's no different, not that she wasn't great before but she's taken on a new life for me. Going back to what I wrote back in October I believe I wrote something like "nobody can save him or help him but her". Well I can put my OWN fairy tale spin on this story. I picture this woman walking up the driveway and my mom plodding, pushing her along "go on, go on, its okay" and my dad opening the door to this nice pretty woman with the great smile "hello" she says, and my mom in her matter of fact voice says "there you go Jerry". There has always been a riff with my dad and us. When my mom was dying I know this bothered her and she said as much. Dayna and I wonder if this woman just might change all our lives. One thing I can say about my mom, she might have been basic, if anyone remembers my pigeon story (?) - I'd say "a PIGEON mom, c'mon?" I can hear her now "well thats the best I can do" and laughing "and what the hell is wrong with a pigeon, there's nothing wrong with a pigeon". Again, this up on the pedestal thing; but this is the truth, whenever she did something it was always right, whenever she said something she was always right and yes I've accused her of setting a standard so high that I have to struggle to meet it. If she had a "hand" in this it could very well save our family and she knows this. So thank you mommy if you sent her, I love you and we'll never forget you.......ever. Oh and mom, one more thing, if she wrecks your lillies I'll fix her clock, not to worry.
posted by Tracey at 3:32 AM 20 comments links to this post
Thursday, February 23, 2006
A Spade Is a Spade
This may be a controversial subject for some, some may be offended while some may have some feathers ruffled and yet some may stand in agreement.
I came across this on bodybuilding.com - its actually a direct link from a tracker member (their homepage).
http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/trans25.htm
More importantly, these are the comments that went along with it:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=518316
(Am I the only person on planet earth that can't make addresses clickable - why don't I know how to do this arrrgh!!!!!!)
There's a reason I'm dredging this up again; its purely to examine myself, my own goals, my beliefs, my common sense and my so called "BFL Journey".
I bought the book and brought it into work to photocopy the blank workout pages. I waited for my boss to come in so I could sit at his desk and brag about my new project. Coversation went something like this:
me: wanna see what I'm gonna do
Ed: what now?
me: 12 weeks Ed, this is what I'm gonna look like; Janice is going to be sooo jealous (Janice is his wife and is in tip top condition plus a few years older than me)
I open the book and show him the before & afters.
Ed: (laughing) Tracey, get the fuck out of my office with that bullshit
me: its not bullshit Ed, instead of shooting off your big mouth why don't you take a look at it (Ed's out of shape)
Ed: you know Tracey I thought you had a bit more sense than to fall for this kind of advertising - did you get the ab roller yet?
me: oh shaddup Ed, you're such a bitch, you know what, you're going to be that old man that all the kids through crab apples at
He yells at me some more, tells me he's not paying me for this crap, get back to work, get something done around here for a change, blah, blah (you may think he's an asshole; he can be but I just laugh). I'm back at my desk, then "Tracey, bring me that stupid book". Sensing some kind of enthusiasm, I sit down for our chat. He tells me to get the hell back to my desk, do something he can actually pay me for and to just leave it with him. After awhile,
Ed: Tracey - get in here (I come eagerly) - look at these heads
me: whats wrong?
Ed: they're all out of wack, they're out of proportion
me now getting pissed: WTF are you talking about now?
He starts measuring; won't get into it detail by detail but sure enough he's measured everyone, for example, one guy's head was the size from his chin to his naval, arm length, whatever, there were several. So we sat and talked about it. He did admit that it looked like a good solid program but you're not going to look like a photoshop picture. Gave him my up & down look and left it with a "yeah, well we'll see about that". We'll skip the boring details of how hard I worked and all that but no, I didn't get the advertised results. Trust me when I say THATS OKAY, I didn't need that or set out to win a million.
After seeing some of these comments coming from whom I'm assuming some are more experienced bodybuilders than myself or people on tracker (that is by no means an insult) I just feel the need to say something like "told ya so". My bitchy cynical self brought this up (subtly???) on tracker. I know nobody wanted to hear that shit that I was saying. I do believe people are more genetically inclined than others but this one just didn't sit right with me - ever. I have no idea why. I questioned it and questioned it, then I questioned myself questioning it. I even received the most upbeat pm from this person with somewhat of a diet/exercise breakdown (which looked like it was cut & pasted straight from the article above) and should I need ANY guidance, advice, encouragement, "I'm here for ya man" send a pm anytime, oh and don't forget to have a "rockin BFL day". Well I just let it go summing it up to I'm just cynical and negative. Along comes averiesmommy (Cheryl Muir); I just about went through the roof. How the hell did she do that???? For some reason I never questioned her transformation, I guess she came across as genuine and "believable" - would that be the word? Her transformation was certainly no less dramatic thats for sure. So now I start questioning myself with the focus, determination, discipline, intensity the whole thing; still in the back of my mind that one "awesome" transformation just isn't flying - why?
This little blurb I just typed serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. If there is a point to be made (and this would be directed at me only) BFL was probably the most important thing I've ever started - but it is just that - a start. My hope is that as time goes on any new BB program will become more important than the last. The advertisements served their purpose too, they worked, even though I do question some of them. I remember initially starting this and explaining to an acquaintance the basics of the program she said "6 reps? what are you supposed to get out of that" and I remember answering "I guess what you put into it".
And hey, if you have an opinion on what I just wrote but don't think I'll like it, say it anyway, I'm not going to argue but would appreciate & respect the honesty is all.
posted by Tracey at 5:07 PM 24 comments links to this post
Monday, February 20, 2006
One More Pussy Post
This is Maurice.
I'm more of a dog person than a cat person. We had a cat Oscar that looked very similar to him. Oscar for some reason fell totally in love with me. He was for my girls but we all knew that really he was my cat. He died this time last year (long story).
Steve and the girls found him at the local Humane Society and they gave him the name Maurice. We can't come up with any other names that there is no arguement about so it looks like Maurice it will be. He was picked up as a stray. He's micro-chipped but somehow the chip wasn't traceable and nobody claimed him. He's about 4 years old and has been declawed (why?????). We got him Saturday and he's supposedly my birthday present.
Since he's been "home" its like he's always lived here. He's perfectly calm, purrs as soon as you look at him, he's a bit pompous and snooty, but seems quite calm and gentle. So far he fits in with us perfectly. How could anyone not have come to claim this beautiful cat????? Well now he's ours and we're glad to have him.
AND LOOK HOW NICELY HE MATCHES MY HOUSE - ITS A PERFECT MATCH!!! MEOW....
posted by Tracey at 7:32 PM 18 comments links to this post
PUNISHMENT
Well if there's ever been a post of mine that will carry too much information, this will be it. For various reasons we've all gone through "dry spells" with sex haven't we? Do you want to know what my PUNISHMENT is for this?????? Urinary Tract Infection!!!!!!! Every damn time!!!!!!! I've spoken to other people about this and they will concur. Its not that I'm holding out; its just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. Why the need to be punished for it?????
As soon as everything's back on schedule I'm no longer punished. Can anyone relate to this???? I'll go to the doctor and get that look "oh I see you've been fucked pretty good this weekend Tracey?" Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me the damn pills & shuddup about it.
posted by Tracey at 6:40 AM 10 comments links to this post
Thursday, February 16, 2006
TRACKER BLASPHEMY
WARNING: R-rated, opinionated, warped/cuckoo (?), critical, whiny post.
People have asked what happened on tracker the other day; what was it that I said. What happened was as we all know, tracker gets the r-rated category. Mellie shows up with tassles on her breasts (why do I envision her with bright red lipstick smeared all over her face?). Within ONE minute she's called out Moggie on the "fuck them" thread. No big deal, Moggie can fight her own battles just fine. Within a couple of minutes I'm irritated as hell. She's like a damn pinball machine - just continuous "ding, ding, ding". If you're not playing the pinball game the constant monotonous ding ding can drive you nuts, it just doesn't sound fun - would somebody please pull that fucking dinging plug!!!!!!!!
Somehow I saw this as senseless on Mellie's part. She doesn't just ease into this slowly nope, just splat, she's there. The Webmaster steps in and Mellie goes to the "cracking the whip" thread with "I love a man that takes control of two women fighting! Assertiveness is a HUGE turn on! What else do you want me to do? =P" then immediately follows that with "Come on, show of hands...who else likes it rough? =)". In the meantime (and afterwards and after that) there's all the other drivel.
By now you all probably know me just as well as Mellie and are aware that my filtration system from brain to mouth (or keyboard) is defunct at times and I immediately jump on that one with something to the effect of "you want to see a show of hands? How about one middle finger - here's mine, can we see everyone else's middle finger?" I go on to tell her she's annoying as hell and she needs to CALM THE FUCK DOWN, she's acting like a complete idiot and the Mellie, agent, lawyer, freakshow with their post after post of senselessness drone has me embarassed for them, muster up some class at least and a bit of whit or personality so we can at least be entertained, stop acting like a rabid dog, she just REALLY NEEDS TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN once & for all.
I do know I was wrong in what I did, just shut up & ignore her. But like an immature kid all I can say in my best whine is "but, but its true". And I don't really care if anyone disagrees I KNOW WHAT I SAID IS TRUE and thats that. So as I said there, I sat & waited for my PM from the WM - pop - there it is right on schedule. Basically it was tsk, tsk, oh Flower, very bad, should have pm'd her, all which I knew of course. Because its tracker and because I knew I should be above this shit I did go back to delete it but as the WM said, he did it for me which was fine because Mellie saw it and that was what was important. Why was it important? Oh, who the hell knows; if Mellie can spew her shit so can I. Lo & behold Mellie packed up her profile & out she went because she "can't have any fun around here". What people made out of my "sorry Mellie" I don't know nor do I care; I just thought it was the MOST IDIOTIC thing I could say at the moment. And really what I was trying to do was be an idiot. I think it was about 2 hours after the "sorreeeeeyyyyy Mellieeeeeeee" she was back with tassles swinging, fresh bright red lipstick applied & a "g-string only baby, g-string only" and they were all back in the mud. I posted on her shave thread just for the hell of it; I don't know if I'd say "she's all over it" but its like nothing happened, tassles definately a-swingin, both guns blazing. I now know I need to stay away from her. She will get me worked up and what really bugs me is that I am getting worked up. What the end result will be is me looking like just as bit of an idiot will it not? Why does it always sound like a lie when someone says "but I really don't care". I really DON'T care. She just makes me feel like a manipulative cat playing cat-n-mouse just for the sake of playing cat-n-mouse. I'm not a hungry cat, don't want to eat the mouse, just bat it around for awhile.
Anyway, for those of you that think I am being mean, I really am not for the most part and truly believe people should just live & let live. Maybe I'm unfair??? I don't care who you are, what you are as long as you're likeable I like you; but............I live in Tracey's world. Who knows, with stuff like this post I may end up coming across as a Mellie #2.
This is how I see a Mellie party.
Finally, I can now say Mellie is entertaining me.
Thank you ebaumsworld for capturing Mellie in her own realm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know (rolling my eyes)..........but I just had to put these in before someone told me to grow up & act my age. THATS IT!!!!!! NO MORE!!!!!! From now on, I declare, I will be mature damnit!!!!!
posted by Tracey at 3:32 AM 32 comments links to this post
Sunday, February 12, 2006
THE FUNNIEST SHOE EVER - A MUST READ!!!!!!
I must say I don't believe I have ever read anything on the computer as funny as this. I go to T-Nation every now & then and those folks can be a bit harsh. I don't know if this guy was serious or not but he posts this picture asking what guess would be his bodyfat.
Regardless of whether he was serious or not, the slew of comments & pictures that came with that first post had me laughing so hard I had to stop reading at certain points. Here's just a couple of examples; people went absolutely crazy with this post. Honestly, if you like sarcastic humour you've got to read this. I HAVE NEVER EVER READ ANYTHING THIS FUNNY ON THE COMPUTER EVER!!!!!!!!!
The things people came up with over this one damn shoe is probably the most creative humour I've seen in a long time. It is lengthy but take the time to go through all the pages - ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!! I wish I could take some credit for contributing to this.
Here's the address:
http://www.t-nation.com/readTopic.do?id=868493
EDIT: Had to add some more examples; these people should spend less time bodybuilding and focus on their comedy.
After pages & pages of ridiculous comments the guy finally came back with "enough already". This is what he gets in response:
The comments just keep coming & coming; this guy writes "What in blazes is my bodyfat?"
I stress - a definate must read.
EDIT - one more time......
Had to add just one more - whats Steve's BF%?????????
posted by Tracey at 7:59 AM 20 comments links to this post
Friday, February 10, 2006
Ramblings on the Therapist's Couch
I've given more thought to the eating issues and these thoughts are in no way a conclusion, justification nor anwer to any problems. First of all there is the all so common need to fulfill oneself internally, well yeah, thats a given. Another given is the pms - is it really true we are burning more calories during this time? Here's another thing; as I mentioned I am craving different things than I have in the past. I heard a story a long time ago (I don't remember who told me this but it was very long ago and I've never forgotten this story). A small boy around 18 mos if I remember correctly, was licking the soles of shoes. When his mother brought him to the doctor he told her not to worry about it, he was lacking something as in a mineral or something, and was reacting on instinct. Sounds bizarre and no I don't know if its true. But here's just one more "weird" thing. I've never liked ham, my mom used to make ham & scalloped potatoes for Easter every year, I always hated that meal and have never really liked ham. I've bought these cute little low fat honey smoked hams for the rest of the family since there's no reason why they can't have ham. Then I tasted it - delicious; I swear I could eat one of these hams like an apple no fork & knife required. What the hell do these hams have that I want or need? So what I've done is applied this shoe story to myself. No, I doubt I am lacking sugar but I'm sure the hell lacking something and have a need to fulfill it. I will say I am hungry. I literally can't believe my eyes when I see someone write "its so much food, I can't get it all in" - well pass your plate honey and let me show you how its done.
Its been 3 or 4 weeks now alcohol free. I mentioned to Pamela that alcohol is supposed to be a depressant - I don't know. I'm certainly not missing it but my mood has been nothing short of blah, boring, blue, miserable, morbid - I'm not having fun. Just like on Friends; remember one of Monica's boyfriends "fun Bobby"? Everyone loved him, he was so much fun. Then he quit drinking - no longer fun, nobody wanted to be around him and Monica had to dump his ass. While I don't need it, I've got to wonder if it takes the edge off, something I can let my hair down with - personality in a bottle? I don't give a shit if anyone calls me an alcoholic, no I'm not in denial, no I'm not in the closet, nobody is going to stage an intervention. It didn't inhibit weight loss or fitness last year (maybe a missed workout or 2 that I made up the next day and yes some good junk food cravings in the aftermath). So far I don't see how this has helped me so I may or may not see if I can get some personality back.
There are other thoughts of "I don't care" - making myself not care then having a reason to whine & beat myself up. What a delightful individual to be around. Steve and I have actually gotten into fights about this. I'm going to spill my guts a bit. He goes on & on about how beautiful I am, how turned on he is, I always look good, after all these years he gets more & more attracted to me (gotta wonder about someone attracted to this shit, ha, ha), quit calling myself down, blah, blah, blah. He has this "nickname" for me that actually makes me cringe and have actually spitefully said to him that the "name" doesn't mean anything, its a joke, sarcasm, and I know its to make fun of me (I've got a lump in my throat and I'm actually confused just typing this). Keep in mind that he calls me this more than he calls me Tracey so it is an every day thing. Okay, here goes, gulp, its "beauty". I actually get embarassed; my sister makes fun of me, calls the house asking to speak to the beauty - very funny. Enough about this, yes I do realize my thinking & actions can cause some heavy damage on our relationship.
I've spoken to my doctor and have decided to go off the Wellbutrin (not on his recommendation, he told me wait until spring). I've also wondered if its helping me to gain weight. He told me to think about if I wanted to talk to someone which I may or may not do. These issues are my own which if I use my brain I'll be able to figure out on my own. All brains are pretty much created equal its how you use it that makes a difference. Is it not a fact that the brain is not used 100% to its full potential? Varying degrees differ from person to person so its a matter of using it properly. There's nothing wrong with my brain but there's something wrong with the way I'm using it. It is powerful and is wasting away using it in the manner in which I have been doing lately.
I've decided to reset my goals. Subconcsiously I've been using figure/fitness competitors "in season" as my ideal. Duh, its an ABNORMAL look. While I will continue to still admire such specimens, I've "fallen in love" with someone/something else. Yes, there's lots of pictures of her but thats because she's my "beauty"!!!! First thing that attracted me was no implants; I'm getting sick of implants even though I'd most likely take them were they given to me. She's close to my age & is my height & I see similarities in our body structure (except the genetically given boy bum and the exceptionally pretty face). I see her with a look that with the proper "brainset" might be more achievable and with some moderate discipline, maintained. If I was to be a replica so to speak, it would mean about a 10 lb. weight loss, 2 inches off the waist, an inch off the hips, not sure what the decrease would be in fat percentage, some bum reconfiguration and not doable, an increase to a C cup. I know that "any look" is possible, but does she not look like a more reasonable goal than Jenny Lynn, Mary Elizabeth Lado or Monica Brant?
Afterthought: these ramblings are just that - ramblings that are all over the place. No sense in trying to make it a smooth flowing story just get it out and move on from this shit.
posted by Tracey at 3:09 AM 15 comments links to this post
Monday, February 06, 2006
Bi-Polar Screw Up is What I Am!!!!!!!!!
I'm in a bad way. There's your warning; if you continue to read don't blame me for being in a downer mood. Everything is fucked. I decided this weekend that the reason I'm eating is to totally screw myself so that I have a reason for failing. I'll explain further - see if I do my absolute "best" and I still don't think I'm a success well then that would make me a complete failure. So if I eat myself into blubbery I can say I didn't succeed because I screwed up. Everyone talks about life's ups & downs but I'm telling you, you don't want to be where I am right now. I'm sad, lonely, depressed, hungry, tired, lazy, unmotivated but when I exercise it is in a flurry and with a passion I've never known. No matter what, I still will not miss a workout. I'm getting bigger/fatter everyday.
I don't understand the eating. This time last year if I wanted to pig out it would be something like pasta or chicken wings with blue cheese, ribeye steak with garlic bread/cheese & ceasar salad not chocolate, ice cream, cookies, avocados, peanut butter. I've never been a cookie eater!!!!! I've gone back to reading again and I'm in a state because the weeks I am eating good I can't figure out if my calories are too low, too high, protein too high - ratios are usually about 20F/30C/50 calories 1400 - 1700.
It just seems like I'm always pissed off at myself. The guilt is overwhelming and I wonder if I'm just going to crash and say the hell with everything. Everyone seems so on track and I just got to wonder why I haven't slipped into this comfortably like everyone else and can't help but wonder if this past year has been all for nothing.
SWITCH TO THE OTHER SIDE
Now there is something I'm very happy about. I came across some information about exercise bands. From what I've read they are the most wonderful workout you can get. Seems that according to this guy you can't get any better workout than this. I'd love to get any of your opinions if you have the time to read it, here's the address:
http://www.leeapperson.com/cables/
Right now I'm pretty excited about this; I really liked what this guy had to say. If it does what he claims it does I think it may be exactly what I need right now. My 25th (gag) birthday is soon and I told Steve what I want is that contraption I got for Christmas taken apart and returned and I want these things. He told me "sure no problem" and this is what he plopped in front of me.
Any words of wisdom, encouragement, secrets to success, or just a simple shuddup, quit your whining & get back to work would be much appreciated.
posted by Tracey at 5:33 PM 11 comments links to this post
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Only Because I have absolutely NOTHING to Say
Check out how abnormal I am - the last one. Freaking SCARY!!!!!! If you ever have the opportunity to meet me - DON'T!!!!! If you recognize me walking down the street cross the street even if a streetcar is coming!!! If you live in the same city as me apply for a restraining order promptly after reading this. And for God's sake, if I have your phone number and you don't have call screening - GET IT NOW!!!!!!!
Your Hillbilly Name Is...
Ellie Mae Rambler
Hillbilly Name Generator
Your Blog Should Be Orange
Your writing has a star quality - it's charming, bold, and flamboyant.
You write what's on your mind, without fear of embarrassment later.
You are one of the most honest bloggers around, and people appreciate your daring persona.
What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?
What Your Face Says
At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious.
Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic.
With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.
In love, you seem intelligent and a bit intimidating.
In stressful situations, you seem selfish and moody.
What Do People Think Of Your Face?
You Are An Invisible Ex
You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex
You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind
As they say, indifference is the opposite of love!
What Type of Ex Are You?
You Are 48% Abnormal
You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul.
You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.
You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection.
You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.
You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.
How Abnormal Are You?
posted by Tracey at 4:02 PM 10 comments links to this post
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Colour Me Idiotic
I had to copy this; the html code wouldn't work. The only reason I bothered to post this was BECAUSE IT WAS SO DAMN TRUE!!!!!!!! I'm actually quite surprised! Plus I did it twice & it came out the same.
Tracey's Existing Situation
Working to create for herself a firm foundation on which to erect a secure, comfortable, and problem-free future, in which she will be granted respect and recognition.
Tracey's Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.
Tracey's Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being.
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict.
Tracey's Desired Objective
Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
Tracey's Actual Problem
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.
posted by Tracey at 8:27 AM 3 comments links to this post
About Me
My Photo
Name:Tracey
Location:Oakville, Ontario, Canada
SAHM with 2 girls who wants out of the rat race & suburbia
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Links
o Lynn's blog
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o Supergirl's blog
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o Persephone's blog
Previous Posts
o Tracey Is Back........with Another House
o WHY WHY WHY!!!
o The results are in!!!!
o The Queen is Home!!!!!
o Weekend Leave...
o It's Time
o Poor Tracey....
o Whooowee Baby
o ALRIIIIIGHTY!!!
o Blog Update - Current Status........
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posted by Tracey at 4:35 PM
10 Comments:
HI YA Tracy!!!
So glad you're back in the saddle again.
I look forward to you posting all kinds of new and interesting things.
I promise to be a loyal reader and post comments often.
Love forever and ever and ever,
you're new bestest friend in the world, the one who changed you into an evil wicked bitch,
Deb :)
Hi ya Tracey!!!
It's me Deb again. I was just wondering when I can anticipate seeing some new material here!!
I'll keep my eyes peeled!!
Kisses,
Deb
Hi Tracey!
Deb here. Was wondering where all the other posters are??
Doesn't anyone frequent this joint anymore??
ECHO ECHO ECHO
It's rather sad really.
Hugz,
Deb
Can we see more pictures of your sister .... and food ?
Oh Deb, thank gawd you got it back. That damn tracker WM deleted my blog too; thinks he owns the fucking world.
Jim - my sister???? Please, please tell me you're joking - if you only knew. As too food pics - there is no food. I was dieting.
ok ... there's a story there ... and I want to hear it.
I'll tell him Trace.
I'm a waaaaay better story teller than you.
Ok here goes...
There was this really really fat chick named Udenia right? Well she did this program called Body For Life. She was like a little North Carolina White Trash Workin' in Hawaii Wish I Could Be Bill Phillips main squeeze right? Well she did this program for like 5 years and lost like 40 lbs bringing her down to a svelte 188 in time for her 7th challenge. Well she got all pissy cuz some people were saying she had a tummy tuck, varicose vein removal, nose job while competing to win a contest that actually required you work the fat off right?
Well one day, for the umpteenth time, this chick Udenia roped her sweet little kid (who has autism by the way) on to the end of a stick and dangled him out to the public with a little sign that read, "Send Money PLEEEEASE!!" Seems his mommy ran out because she spent it all campaigning the whole BFL way O life right? I mean she DID have SOME money left over cuz she was planning a big ol party on the beach, with huts and pigs an' stuff for her retirement party, which your all invited to by the way, well anyways, Tracey wrote her a letter right here on the blog and........
oh
wait
you wanted to hear a story about Tracey's sister didn't you?
ahhhhhh .... I was really starting to feel repulsed, until the last sentence .....
c'mon Trace ... hook a brutha up.
With Udenia???? I can try. I'll see what I can do.
i'd rather slam the toilet lid seat down on my penis 6 times ....
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