Do I Want This????
I've been envisioning myself as something that I'm not right now; thinking, thinking, thinking. Trying & trying and getting nowhere. Desire is there, knowledge there and "fat" still there. It all comes down to wanna look better, I can do this; searching for the "secret", the motivation and the day I just wake up, look back on the bed I just slept in and see 10 lbs of fat lying there.
Reason for this post - I came across this girl's blog, she's an amateur NPC competitor and she blogs regularly. Most notable is her entries leading up to her last 2 comps (lots of reading there with many many details you wouldn't even think of). You can see her "patterns" and how this all fits in with her everyday life; this one particular post I found absolutely riveting. There are others and just little remarks she makes really impacted me in several different ways. This particular one is around the big day. Read it:
There's no way for me to explain, to really communicate, how wretched this feels. It is only after absorbing every last grain of pure will in my body that I've made it through this night without literally devouring everything in the pantry. I did have an extra scoop of protein powder, I admit it. That's an extra 100 calories that I'm undecisive about how to burn.
I can't explain that it's not hunger - it's not like going on a diet and being hungry, or being stuck in a traffic jam with no food for five hours and feeling starving. It's so much worse than that. It's not even hunger like a grumbling stomach. It's every last cell in my body screaming for nourishment. It's not just being tired, or being run down or overtraining. It's not like when you get up at 4 to catch a plane and sit through layovers and run through the airport and get to your destination where they lost your reservation and finally getting to your room at 11. It's so much hideously worse than that. It's every last cell in my body begging me for recovery.
I wake up and I'm sad. I walk around and I'm angry. People in the hallway say good morning and I actually want to yell at them for speaking to me. If I get asked a question I feel put out for having to answer. It is only through summoning every social and reasoning skill that I have that I explain to myself that it's ME that has the problem and I strain to smile or at least answer politely, albeit curtly.
I feel depressed and dizzy most of the time, and to say that I'm sluggish would be a hilarious understatement. I don't laugh. I have trouble sleeping, despite the exhaustion, because I literally can't stop thinking about eating- not for the enjoyment of food, but simply for the nutrients that I haven't had in weeks. I'm completely consumed and dangerously indifferent to work. I know, it's almost here. I'm close. I can do it. Blah blah blah. I don't know if it's this hard for everyone, or if I'm just especially weak. But I can tell you with complete honestly, this feels absolutely horrible.
Can you actually imagine feeling this way? And to think I only want half of this. I only want to look half that good. She says she's watched the Food Network for hours, its like porn. She wonders if she's weak. Is it really weakness or is this the most fucked up way to live? Bigger question, just how weak am I?
Now I have to go workout.
posted by Tracey at 5:08 AM 16 comments links to this post
Thursday, April 27, 2006
I WON THE LOTTERY!!!!!!
I got my period.
I think my life can now resume as normal. Now if I get the bonus number I can loose 10 lbs a week from this Saturday.
Please leave a message at the tone.
BEEEEEEEP
posted by Tracey at 4:51 PM 6 comments links to this post
Monday, April 24, 2006
Today's Inspiration - That Would be MEEEEE!!!!!!
Yes, me. It'll probably be a frosty Friday in July when you see me post that again. What would be so inspirational about ME today? Well I'll tell you - I did one and one half unassisted pull-ups this morning; thats one and one half more than I could a few weeks ago. I'm flared like a King Cobra I tell you. Deb told me that pull-ups are psychological; I've got me a strong brain today. So I said to brain, do 2 pull-ups. Brain not that strong, maybe tomorrow.
So 3 or 4 times I managed to do the one and a half.
Then I peed my pants in excitement.
Here's another thing most interesting. I've had problems with my back for several years; actually its really damage in the hips from skating. Anyway, I guess it goes into spasms but what happens is it gets locked into a half bent over position, pulls my right hip "in" so my left is jutted out - very distorted looking and ugly, very uncomfortable & debilitating. This started last Wednesday or Thursday, could barely move or walk. I ate countless strong anti-inflammatories/muscle relaxants and today its much better but its still kind of twinging but I proceeded carefully working out and absolutely NO deadlifts or bent over rows.
So here's the strange part. I go on the internet to read about this some more, why I don't know because there's nothing I can do about it other than pop the pills (I've got 3 nice ripe whore blossoms on my face to prove I ate too many) and rest. So I read that your back can spasm into this rigidity in order to protect an existing injury, keeps everything in place so the injury can heal. Kinda makes sense I guess. Anyway, I've complained before about my shoulder (or arm or whatever) being weak. I've suffered no injury, there's no pain, there's just something wrong because it feels like it will give out. So today I'm benching (the weight is still way low because of this) and it feels completely normal. I'm probably jinxing myself by saying this but it seems fine now. So go figure.
Now I wonder if I can inspire myself to dislike all food.
posted by Tracey at 8:25 AM 12 comments links to this post
Monday, April 17, 2006
Biggest Life Changing Easter Ever
I had mentioned back in February that my dad had started a new relationship only a few months after my mom had died. To realize how utterly shocking this was you'd really have to know him. Not only was my mom's death devastating to me, my sister & brother, but the worry we had for my dad seemed to become more of an issue; we did not know how he would be able to carry on with his life, he was so devastated it was certain he would never recover.
So without rehashing the same story I had written about back in February, my dad is involved in a new relationship and he decided to drive here for us to meet her. My dad is not one to give out compliments or positive comments freely and when we had asked what she was like, the words he chose were "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised". Pleasantly surprised is completely accurate and more probably an understatement. Perhaps we were eager to like her & accept her but this woman is as close to a dream come true as you can get. In a nutshell - she is a breath of fresh air; very very personable, completely down to earth, can converse freely about any topic, very attractive, comes across as a genuinely kind person. A silly trivial example - my mom was making a quilt for me and was almost finished just before she died so it was in pieces & had to be put together. She finds it at my dad's house, goes out and purchases a special box for it to bring to me. I know, no big deal but it was like she was transporting something of the utmost value and importance. She fits right in with our family like she's always been a fixture - I could go on with the compliments, I would be hard pressed to find anything wrong with her.
Because this is all about my feelings I could easily write for hours, dissecting the relationship, making excuses as to why this happened, reassuring myself, repeating myself but will end it with a conversation I had with my dad. One night after everyone had gone to bed we sat down and drank a bottle of wine. Strangely enough he's talking to me; my dad & I have always locked horns, it is not different now and it will never change, if there's a "least favourite kid" it would be me. He's concerned he's not doing the right thing - "what do I really think"? I told him he might be many things but one thing he's always had and its a great quality is integrity. He will not do anything to jeopardize that including this situation. As an explanation, my aunt told me she spoke to someone she knows who is a therapist of some sort about my dad's situation. The outcome of that conversation led us to believe that while this relationship came awfully soon he has been grieving far longer than us. I even remember the day my mom died just my dad & I were sitting with her, he told me that this wasn't the first time this had happened - she died on him a few times before this, he'd been through it before. So he's way ahead of us in the grieving process, probably a year or 2.
So we talk about if he's doing the right thing. I'm standing there talking to him & ironically I'm standing right next to a picture of my mom. I say to him pointing at the picture "she's just a picture now & you feel guilty". Yes, pretty much. I tell him that I'm rationalizing it like my mom had a hand in this and this is what is supposed to happen. With my mom being gone our family could completely fall apart and its this woman that is going to save us. Without really saying it he tells me how he can't believe how happy he is (I know there's some major guilt there) but I know he's struggling with whether he's doing the right thing. We both agree - is she too good to be true? He's broken down a couple of times by now and the question is always there - can you find one thing wrong? No, I cannot, not even how she combs her hair. Of course we want to like her but truth be known she couldn't be more perfect.
With them now gone I've given it some more thought and I don't think I told him this that night but he is an extremely lucky man. I am going to phone him and tell him this; he needs to get over his guilt and take full advantage of his situation because the happiness I believe he feels is probably got to be one of the biggest blessings in his life given the circumstances. Going home this summer I will not be going full of anxiety and tension; I will be looking forward to it and I'm positive it will be a good time. I know this situation has taken a burden off my shoulders (worrying about my dad) but I honestly believe this is the right thing, I'm so glad they came.
Okay, I lie, there is one thing wrong - I ate & drank like a pig.
posted by Tracey at 7:22 AM 16 comments links to this post
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
TRACKER NAMES (continued from Janel's post)
Dear Deb:
When Janel brought up the tracker names on her blog it was interesting that it hadn't been brought up before now. It was mentioned that Dear Deb should be analyzing some of these names so we can have a full understanding of what these people are all about; some may be misunderstood and quite honestly that isn't fair. I admit, I'm one of them. Here's a starter list. Now Dear Deb we know you're busy with the holidays but that should work out perfectly because by the time you get around to your analysis the list should grow to a nice size and we'll understand them all.
In no particular order, lets get started:
Can'tStopMe (best start with yourself)
Flower (make me sound better, funnier & prettier than I am)
Crone
Agent69
3rdbase
Razorback68
GETHERDONE
Muscles Marinara
iwant2playoutside
6packer
Supa K
Kerry
I*Witness
bubblz7
SweetEmotion
Mellie
Muscle Head
ReesemOrtenson
h4sOr
Cake
Rod the Bod
The Arteest
The Bumbler
cookie1135 (its the 1135?)
Betmyknee
4sweetums
Robin78745
jakgaph
amkazen
Bound4lean
Crispywafers
crazy lady
foot 18
35thbirthdaychallenge
OUlinz
veggrl
ydidi
Muscle&Fatness
Ikma9
emKse
sunshinyday69
Flash
Hot Body
3D
Wimpy Momma
jglo
germansugaraddict
T~N~T
Suz2Lose
MelJ113074
sober-stud
helpdial911
Mikesexx
Okay, I'm tired. There's too many, I've missed many, there's gotta be some good ones I've missed. Now Deb, the list might be a bit challenging but I think you're up to it. You people have to add to the list.
posted by Tracey at 5:19 PM 16 comments links to this post
Friday, April 07, 2006
There's A Mouse in the HOUSE
Pour yourself a cup of coffee, you're in for the long haul. The story is endless, it did end I think but this post is chalk full of information if you're in the market for MOUSE -even rat.
Setting is January 2000 we bought our house from the builder. We're in a new devlopment in the midst of a field that was once a pig farm. I don't need to add this information but I had noticed over the years "movement" in the house like ghost movement. You'd catch it in the corner of your eye at around waiste level. I know, sounds stupid I thought so too until my SIL said she didn't like being alone here because she kept seeing this "movement" throughout the day if she was babysitting. Anyway this isn't the story, pig ghosts are no big deal - get used to it.
What we decided to do when we bought was forego all flooring, get a credit for the flooring & put it towards flooring we'd install. You should see the muck that contractors lay carpeting over!!!!!! Anyway, we put the flooring in the first level and all is well. No baseboards up yet but I grew up with way worse. My dad is a custom home builder & I don't remember living in a house they built being completely complete until we sold it to move on to the next which was almost monthly. Didn't bother me one bit a house being incomplete until..................
So the mice started to come. Zoom, zoom under the stove, around the fridge, back to the living room - there's a gap under the baseboard to the flooring ready for quarter round about 1/4" that didn't phase them. Once I saw one totally run head first, smack into the baseboard and disappear right before my very eyes UP into the cupboard. One day I had just washed the floors, no kid home to wreck it, I'm sitting back with a cup of coffee & a cigarette admiring my cleanliness from the glare of the sun and one WALKS yes WALKS right straight through the living room!!!!! This is not the worst of it. Alexis was about 4 at one time, she thinks they're cute but when one zoomed right over her feet and she freaked and I WAS COMPLETELY AT MY LIMIT I made her phone Steve at work, we're both standing on the stairs, she's stuttering "bbbbbuddds (short for buddy), you neeeed to come home right now, there's a mouse in the house and mommy said you have to come home right now and get the mouse out of the house". Reason I mention this is that Steve has saved this message on his voice mail all these years and we still listen to it.
Okay now we're in the thick of it. Steve buys 2 traps, catches 2. The mice continue. We argue. I phone an exterminator. Steve's not paying - its just some mice, don't worry about it. Two more mice caught. Same mice keep running through the house. I phone exterminator again. Now the information starts to flow - to sum it up, they're field mice, we've moved into their home, they've probably been in the house since they closed it in, they have their own food supply (they were'nt in the cupboards at all - I know for sure), a healthy female with a food supply will produce 8 litters of 10 or 10 litters of 8, can't remember but the number is 80 in their very first year of life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay all kinds of advice from the nice guy who's giving it but does Steve listen? NOOOOOOO he's gonna catch'em. Catches 2 more okay I've got him he says as it that is the end of them. WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE!!!!!! We're arguing - no Steve forget it, will you forget it, he says I know it was him, I know I got him. I'm screaming (this is not a joke anymore) - why Steve, why, why why would we be the only house with FUCKING GAY MICE?????? I swear he doesn't clue in - they're reproducing in droves.
Fast forward a bit more. Its one summer - I've lost track of what year because this is our life, I'm on the phone with my mom ranting & raving "no mom, this is not a normal mouse problem, I'm not being dramatic - THEY ARE EVEYWHERE!!!!!" then I say oh my gawd mom you're not going to believe this - there's a tiny mouse right in front of the door on the patio with only 3 legs!!!!!! We're both incredulous, she tells me to go get Steve up - 'kay thanks mom thats exactly what I should do". Summation - no lie, Steve caught 27 that weekend. The mouse with "3" legs actually had 4 but was so young it could not walk & it was tucked under him. That weekend there were various "sizes/ages" of various litters.
And we'll move on even further. The mouse problem is pretty much under control, neighbours are saying as much. I garden quite a bit and take pride in my plants but moreso in my soil. I don't much notice at first but there are some deep holes along the foundation of the garage - perhaps some poor drainage problems, foundation settling, retarded roses depleting the soil???? Steve thinks we have a ground hog, goffer, whatever. Shoves the garden hose down the hole and the water does not come back, hmmmmm - thats a deep hole. I should spend some time explaining Steve's fascination with this crap but it infuriates me so much I can't. He has spent hour upon hour examining, playing animal games with the hole and by now its completely intrigued him. Finally he says he sees beady black eyes. Well eureka. He's on a roll, goes out and buys 3 bear traps of some sort, "I'm gonna catch me a possum" sort of thing. Sets them and goes golfing. Comes home, checks his traps and we've got 3 humungous RATS!!!!!! Well if I don't blow my fucking lid. I'm ready to burn the house to the ground. I can barely type in remembrance because he tells me "he got'em". He uses his "bedder juggement" and follows the hole. He ends up taring the stairs out under the back door. You wouldn't believe what was in there - everything from the bones of ever meal we'd eaten the last 2 years to a "Thanks for the Hospitality" note. At this point I think & I tell him he really needs to fuck off. Of course I phone the exterminator. Same thing, 8 litters of 10/10 litters of 8 = 80 fucking rats a year. Then he got one in the front of the house. What I learned from the exterminator was yes rats will burrow but only along side a foundation. This time I actually researched - and alot, its true everything I was told turned out to be true with everything I found on the internet - healthy female (rats & mice) = 80 a year. You think you see one or 2 forgettaboutit. Rats will definately burrow along a foundation - they will not, say, in the middle of a field. Need an exterminator or ask me. I'll have advice for you (like lay the poison in your attics) , I'd be reluctant with the advice of "playing the game with peanut butter", this is true, especially for those smart fucking fuckers - they'll see the dead guy in the trap with the peanut butter, associate the peanut butter with the dead mouse and walk around him & peanut butter for the rest of their lives. I've seen it all trust me.
Talked to the neighbours, post is getting too long to share all their stories too. I call the Ministry of Health & explain the situation. She tells me that its not a health concern as its on public property. A health concern???? Yeah I know I'm older than you but the plagues created by these creatures have wiped out entire populations at one time, scientists are still studying it, it has been determined that rats will outwhit, outlive mankind and they're standing in my backyard sticking their tongue out giving me na, na na na, na, na, nanoo and you have no concern? She says we have no way of determining whether they're infectious or not. I tell her fine I'll pack the little mo'fuckers up and plunk them on her desk and she can let me know how they've tested. She's done. So Steve packed up a pack and left them on our local member of parlaiment's doorstep for testing. Like I said, we've got some neighbour stories, I think I've gone on long enough, I think they're gone. I started parking in the front, once I saw a rat the size of a cat slink right under the front door prohibiting me from entering the home (I have to add this in - Deb that was one of those rare occasions I had a cell phone and you're damn right I phoned Steve - come home and get your non producing one gay rat in the whole fucking world that lives at our house OUT - NOW!!!!!! - cell phone very very useful at that time). I need to calm down, you need to realize how much we argued about "thats it I got them all".
He (Steve the stupid *$##*%)%) finally gave them a teensy weensy bit of poison (I am sooooooo sick of their games), the holes clogged up and he pulled the patio stones up and there they were right under where I sun tan!!!!!
Don't, don't, don't ever ever complain to me about a mouse in the house. So I've laughed, its not funny. If you've got a story that can top this it had better be good but like I told Deb (& Steve) you need to just shut up about it, its not a small problem. And don't go instigating with one of your stories so I can say "oh, and another time........" I will out top you with any mouse/rat story EVER - this is where I live! You haven't heard the half of it. Show me some respect - I want to see zero comments!!!!!!! If you feel the need to "relate" it had better be bettter than this. And people wonder why I'm not normal.
posted by Tracey at 8:26 PM 21 comments links to this post
Thursday, April 06, 2006
TODAY ONLY - "POOR TRACEY"
This is my rant and I bluddy well deserve it. I HAVE JUST ABOUT HAD IT!!!!
True to the trend of the last few months for all of us I've had a problem with focus & discipline. So bad sometimes that it was "I don't care, I want it, I'm eating it" but we're not talking every hour of every day, just a day here & there, not a week at a time or 2. Okay so now I'm scrambling, took me a week or so but now my mindset is fine - I'm doing this, not a problem. Going on about 3 weeks now, good eating, keeping track, food selection & ratios are excellent (at least this is one thing I know). I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not one of those people that drops a pound a week. I'm not doing anything wrong, thats just the way it is.
I don't know how to work all these numbers out and I really don't give a shit because I know I'm not loosing anything. Nonetheless I created a fake profile on tracker to see what my "gains" have been since last summer. I based it on the measurements from my profile of last August and put myself at 16% BF (a guess so could be wrong) and current stats. What it gave me was a gain of 5.2 lbs. of muscle and 5.8 lbs. of fat; even if the numbers are a bit off its pretty close as I played around with it a bit - I could even go 4 & 7 (God please let it not be that) respectively and its still not that bad. Its not like I'm looking to loose 20 lbs of fat. Depending on how you look at it not too good and not too bad. Why the hell can't my fucked up body loose a couple of pounds of fat???? Unless I'm totally retarded (and anyone can jump in here) I'm not doing that bad. I've worked out my caloric intake from BFFM and these are the averages:
Low days - 1555 to 1667 cal
High days - 2000 cal
Optimal - 1777 to 1888 cal
I AM WELL WITHIN THESE RANGES!!!!! Yeah, of course I've had a few cheats (weekend "cheat day") but NOTHING compared to some of my historical proportions of the past and from what I can see mathematically I'm still creating a deficit. In the last couple of months my weight has risen consistently - one pound at a time. PMS bloat is pretty much gone and I've been handsomely rewarded with a loss of one measely fucking pound!!!!!!! Three weeks of good eating, pms bloat gone and I get a pound - I know that pound is strictly water. So okay, I've made some muscle gain as I can see it but the fat will not budge. Accumeasure calipers are in the cupboard, I'm terrified of them both psychologically and physically - I will not forget the last hive episode from them anytime soon. I'm committing myself to stocking up on calamine and doing it this weekend.
I've got alot more frustration bottled up in me but I'll save it and take it out on my family, this is enough for now. I know why people get eating disorders; how can you be so in control as I am now and not see any damn change??? I know its only been 3 weeks but c'mon, you can see change in 3 weeks of going in the opposite direction - no one could disagree. I didn't have to type all this, all I had to say was right now I am really really pissed off!!! I'll religiously go & do my workout now, eat even better today and watch the scale go up a pound tomorrow morning and the only explanation I'll get is because I'm getting on the scale too much. It can't get much worse than this.
FYI - you won't come here again anytime soon and find me this pissed off.
posted by Tracey at 4:18 AM 17 comments links to this post
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Bernice's MIL''s Sister's Best Friend Casserole
I am freaking starving and once again I am preparing the dinner meal for my family. Once they're done I'll eat a scrumptuous salad & chicken breast number 14,937,287.
Just let me clarify - I do like to cook, I do know how to cook and I know this because I've been complimented by people I know and people I don't know (yes, I'm pretty wonderful). I want to share this recipe because it actually sounds like a joke. I saw it several years ago in a cooking magazine where they claimed that the most fussiest eater will eat it & love it. People wrote in & it got rave reviews, they couldn't believe how good it was. I actually laughed - like why would they print this & who would make it? Me I guess. Like I said, it sounds like a joke but here it is:
Bernice's MIL''s Sister's Best Friend Casserole
1 lb ground beef
1 can Campbell's Tomato Soup
Pasta (I use Scoobi Doo's)
grated cheddar
THATS IT!!!! Okay you can salt & pepper the meat - no seasoning
Yes I know, Bernice's MIL's Sister's Best Friend lives in a trailer park. Who gives a rat's ass - this shit is fantastic!!! You think its going to taste just like it sounds - it doesn't, I don't know why. It takes on a life of its own when you want good old fashioned comfort food. According to the mag you have to put it in the casserole dish in this order for it to taste great (WTF?). 1. ground beef, 2. pasta, 3. tomato soup, stir completely with a bit of cheddar & then top with grated cheddar, bake 350 about half an hour (no cover) or till it looks "done".
Trust me on this one; of course the kids love it. Randy the ex who grew up on his momma's homemade pasta & sauce even loved it and never missed an opportunity to say how good it was. Stevejust saw me making it and said "ooooooohhhh, thats what you're making, I like that dish".
Now as for me.............. I'm not eating this fucking crap.
posted by Tracey at 4:34 AM 17 comments links to this post
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Update: GOALS
Set some realistic goals for myself so we'll take a look at progress:
# of pounds lost: 0
# of chin-ups: 0
Days late TOM: 2
Goals for the week: lobotomy
Hopes & dreams for today:
I've been envisioning myself as something that I'm not right now; thinking, thinking, thinking. Trying & trying and getting nowhere. Desire is there, knowledge there and "fat" still there. It all comes down to wanna look better, I can do this; searching for the "secret", the motivation and the day I just wake up, look back on the bed I just slept in and see 10 lbs of fat lying there.
Reason for this post - I came across this girl's blog, she's an amateur NPC competitor and she blogs regularly. Most notable is her entries leading up to her last 2 comps (lots of reading there with many many details you wouldn't even think of). You can see her "patterns" and how this all fits in with her everyday life; this one particular post I found absolutely riveting. There are others and just little remarks she makes really impacted me in several different ways. This particular one is around the big day. Read it:
There's no way for me to explain, to really communicate, how wretched this feels. It is only after absorbing every last grain of pure will in my body that I've made it through this night without literally devouring everything in the pantry. I did have an extra scoop of protein powder, I admit it. That's an extra 100 calories that I'm undecisive about how to burn.
I can't explain that it's not hunger - it's not like going on a diet and being hungry, or being stuck in a traffic jam with no food for five hours and feeling starving. It's so much worse than that. It's not even hunger like a grumbling stomach. It's every last cell in my body screaming for nourishment. It's not just being tired, or being run down or overtraining. It's not like when you get up at 4 to catch a plane and sit through layovers and run through the airport and get to your destination where they lost your reservation and finally getting to your room at 11. It's so much hideously worse than that. It's every last cell in my body begging me for recovery.
I wake up and I'm sad. I walk around and I'm angry. People in the hallway say good morning and I actually want to yell at them for speaking to me. If I get asked a question I feel put out for having to answer. It is only through summoning every social and reasoning skill that I have that I explain to myself that it's ME that has the problem and I strain to smile or at least answer politely, albeit curtly.
I feel depressed and dizzy most of the time, and to say that I'm sluggish would be a hilarious understatement. I don't laugh. I have trouble sleeping, despite the exhaustion, because I literally can't stop thinking about eating- not for the enjoyment of food, but simply for the nutrients that I haven't had in weeks. I'm completely consumed and dangerously indifferent to work. I know, it's almost here. I'm close. I can do it. Blah blah blah. I don't know if it's this hard for everyone, or if I'm just especially weak. But I can tell you with complete honestly, this feels absolutely horrible.
Can you actually imagine feeling this way? And to think I only want half of this. I only want to look half that good. She says she's watched the Food Network for hours, its like porn. She wonders if she's weak. Is it really weakness or is this the most fucked up way to live? Bigger question, just how weak am I?
Now I have to go workout.
posted by Tracey at 5:08 AM 16 comments links to this post
Thursday, April 27, 2006
I WON THE LOTTERY!!!!!!
I got my period.
I think my life can now resume as normal. Now if I get the bonus number I can loose 10 lbs a week from this Saturday.
Please leave a message at the tone.
BEEEEEEEP
posted by Tracey at 4:51 PM 6 comments links to this post
Monday, April 24, 2006
Today's Inspiration - That Would be MEEEEE!!!!!!
Yes, me. It'll probably be a frosty Friday in July when you see me post that again. What would be so inspirational about ME today? Well I'll tell you - I did one and one half unassisted pull-ups this morning; thats one and one half more than I could a few weeks ago. I'm flared like a King Cobra I tell you. Deb told me that pull-ups are psychological; I've got me a strong brain today. So I said to brain, do 2 pull-ups. Brain not that strong, maybe tomorrow.
So 3 or 4 times I managed to do the one and a half.
Then I peed my pants in excitement.
Here's another thing most interesting. I've had problems with my back for several years; actually its really damage in the hips from skating. Anyway, I guess it goes into spasms but what happens is it gets locked into a half bent over position, pulls my right hip "in" so my left is jutted out - very distorted looking and ugly, very uncomfortable & debilitating. This started last Wednesday or Thursday, could barely move or walk. I ate countless strong anti-inflammatories/muscle relaxants and today its much better but its still kind of twinging but I proceeded carefully working out and absolutely NO deadlifts or bent over rows.
So here's the strange part. I go on the internet to read about this some more, why I don't know because there's nothing I can do about it other than pop the pills (I've got 3 nice ripe whore blossoms on my face to prove I ate too many) and rest. So I read that your back can spasm into this rigidity in order to protect an existing injury, keeps everything in place so the injury can heal. Kinda makes sense I guess. Anyway, I've complained before about my shoulder (or arm or whatever) being weak. I've suffered no injury, there's no pain, there's just something wrong because it feels like it will give out. So today I'm benching (the weight is still way low because of this) and it feels completely normal. I'm probably jinxing myself by saying this but it seems fine now. So go figure.
Now I wonder if I can inspire myself to dislike all food.
posted by Tracey at 8:25 AM 12 comments links to this post
Monday, April 17, 2006
Biggest Life Changing Easter Ever
I had mentioned back in February that my dad had started a new relationship only a few months after my mom had died. To realize how utterly shocking this was you'd really have to know him. Not only was my mom's death devastating to me, my sister & brother, but the worry we had for my dad seemed to become more of an issue; we did not know how he would be able to carry on with his life, he was so devastated it was certain he would never recover.
So without rehashing the same story I had written about back in February, my dad is involved in a new relationship and he decided to drive here for us to meet her. My dad is not one to give out compliments or positive comments freely and when we had asked what she was like, the words he chose were "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised". Pleasantly surprised is completely accurate and more probably an understatement. Perhaps we were eager to like her & accept her but this woman is as close to a dream come true as you can get. In a nutshell - she is a breath of fresh air; very very personable, completely down to earth, can converse freely about any topic, very attractive, comes across as a genuinely kind person. A silly trivial example - my mom was making a quilt for me and was almost finished just before she died so it was in pieces & had to be put together. She finds it at my dad's house, goes out and purchases a special box for it to bring to me. I know, no big deal but it was like she was transporting something of the utmost value and importance. She fits right in with our family like she's always been a fixture - I could go on with the compliments, I would be hard pressed to find anything wrong with her.
Because this is all about my feelings I could easily write for hours, dissecting the relationship, making excuses as to why this happened, reassuring myself, repeating myself but will end it with a conversation I had with my dad. One night after everyone had gone to bed we sat down and drank a bottle of wine. Strangely enough he's talking to me; my dad & I have always locked horns, it is not different now and it will never change, if there's a "least favourite kid" it would be me. He's concerned he's not doing the right thing - "what do I really think"? I told him he might be many things but one thing he's always had and its a great quality is integrity. He will not do anything to jeopardize that including this situation. As an explanation, my aunt told me she spoke to someone she knows who is a therapist of some sort about my dad's situation. The outcome of that conversation led us to believe that while this relationship came awfully soon he has been grieving far longer than us. I even remember the day my mom died just my dad & I were sitting with her, he told me that this wasn't the first time this had happened - she died on him a few times before this, he'd been through it before. So he's way ahead of us in the grieving process, probably a year or 2.
So we talk about if he's doing the right thing. I'm standing there talking to him & ironically I'm standing right next to a picture of my mom. I say to him pointing at the picture "she's just a picture now & you feel guilty". Yes, pretty much. I tell him that I'm rationalizing it like my mom had a hand in this and this is what is supposed to happen. With my mom being gone our family could completely fall apart and its this woman that is going to save us. Without really saying it he tells me how he can't believe how happy he is (I know there's some major guilt there) but I know he's struggling with whether he's doing the right thing. We both agree - is she too good to be true? He's broken down a couple of times by now and the question is always there - can you find one thing wrong? No, I cannot, not even how she combs her hair. Of course we want to like her but truth be known she couldn't be more perfect.
With them now gone I've given it some more thought and I don't think I told him this that night but he is an extremely lucky man. I am going to phone him and tell him this; he needs to get over his guilt and take full advantage of his situation because the happiness I believe he feels is probably got to be one of the biggest blessings in his life given the circumstances. Going home this summer I will not be going full of anxiety and tension; I will be looking forward to it and I'm positive it will be a good time. I know this situation has taken a burden off my shoulders (worrying about my dad) but I honestly believe this is the right thing, I'm so glad they came.
Okay, I lie, there is one thing wrong - I ate & drank like a pig.
posted by Tracey at 7:22 AM 16 comments links to this post
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
TRACKER NAMES (continued from Janel's post)
Dear Deb:
When Janel brought up the tracker names on her blog it was interesting that it hadn't been brought up before now. It was mentioned that Dear Deb should be analyzing some of these names so we can have a full understanding of what these people are all about; some may be misunderstood and quite honestly that isn't fair. I admit, I'm one of them. Here's a starter list. Now Dear Deb we know you're busy with the holidays but that should work out perfectly because by the time you get around to your analysis the list should grow to a nice size and we'll understand them all.
In no particular order, lets get started:
Can'tStopMe (best start with yourself)
Flower (make me sound better, funnier & prettier than I am)
Crone
Agent69
3rdbase
Razorback68
GETHERDONE
Muscles Marinara
iwant2playoutside
6packer
Supa K
Kerry
I*Witness
bubblz7
SweetEmotion
Mellie
Muscle Head
ReesemOrtenson
h4sOr
Cake
Rod the Bod
The Arteest
The Bumbler
cookie1135 (its the 1135?)
Betmyknee
4sweetums
Robin78745
jakgaph
amkazen
Bound4lean
Crispywafers
crazy lady
foot 18
35thbirthdaychallenge
OUlinz
veggrl
ydidi
Muscle&Fatness
Ikma9
emKse
sunshinyday69
Flash
Hot Body
3D
Wimpy Momma
jglo
germansugaraddict
T~N~T
Suz2Lose
MelJ113074
sober-stud
helpdial911
Mikesexx
Okay, I'm tired. There's too many, I've missed many, there's gotta be some good ones I've missed. Now Deb, the list might be a bit challenging but I think you're up to it. You people have to add to the list.
posted by Tracey at 5:19 PM 16 comments links to this post
Friday, April 07, 2006
There's A Mouse in the HOUSE
Pour yourself a cup of coffee, you're in for the long haul. The story is endless, it did end I think but this post is chalk full of information if you're in the market for MOUSE -even rat.
Setting is January 2000 we bought our house from the builder. We're in a new devlopment in the midst of a field that was once a pig farm. I don't need to add this information but I had noticed over the years "movement" in the house like ghost movement. You'd catch it in the corner of your eye at around waiste level. I know, sounds stupid I thought so too until my SIL said she didn't like being alone here because she kept seeing this "movement" throughout the day if she was babysitting. Anyway this isn't the story, pig ghosts are no big deal - get used to it.
What we decided to do when we bought was forego all flooring, get a credit for the flooring & put it towards flooring we'd install. You should see the muck that contractors lay carpeting over!!!!!! Anyway, we put the flooring in the first level and all is well. No baseboards up yet but I grew up with way worse. My dad is a custom home builder & I don't remember living in a house they built being completely complete until we sold it to move on to the next which was almost monthly. Didn't bother me one bit a house being incomplete until..................
So the mice started to come. Zoom, zoom under the stove, around the fridge, back to the living room - there's a gap under the baseboard to the flooring ready for quarter round about 1/4" that didn't phase them. Once I saw one totally run head first, smack into the baseboard and disappear right before my very eyes UP into the cupboard. One day I had just washed the floors, no kid home to wreck it, I'm sitting back with a cup of coffee & a cigarette admiring my cleanliness from the glare of the sun and one WALKS yes WALKS right straight through the living room!!!!! This is not the worst of it. Alexis was about 4 at one time, she thinks they're cute but when one zoomed right over her feet and she freaked and I WAS COMPLETELY AT MY LIMIT I made her phone Steve at work, we're both standing on the stairs, she's stuttering "bbbbbuddds (short for buddy), you neeeed to come home right now, there's a mouse in the house and mommy said you have to come home right now and get the mouse out of the house". Reason I mention this is that Steve has saved this message on his voice mail all these years and we still listen to it.
Okay now we're in the thick of it. Steve buys 2 traps, catches 2. The mice continue. We argue. I phone an exterminator. Steve's not paying - its just some mice, don't worry about it. Two more mice caught. Same mice keep running through the house. I phone exterminator again. Now the information starts to flow - to sum it up, they're field mice, we've moved into their home, they've probably been in the house since they closed it in, they have their own food supply (they were'nt in the cupboards at all - I know for sure), a healthy female with a food supply will produce 8 litters of 10 or 10 litters of 8, can't remember but the number is 80 in their very first year of life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay all kinds of advice from the nice guy who's giving it but does Steve listen? NOOOOOOO he's gonna catch'em. Catches 2 more okay I've got him he says as it that is the end of them. WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE!!!!!! We're arguing - no Steve forget it, will you forget it, he says I know it was him, I know I got him. I'm screaming (this is not a joke anymore) - why Steve, why, why why would we be the only house with FUCKING GAY MICE?????? I swear he doesn't clue in - they're reproducing in droves.
Fast forward a bit more. Its one summer - I've lost track of what year because this is our life, I'm on the phone with my mom ranting & raving "no mom, this is not a normal mouse problem, I'm not being dramatic - THEY ARE EVEYWHERE!!!!!" then I say oh my gawd mom you're not going to believe this - there's a tiny mouse right in front of the door on the patio with only 3 legs!!!!!! We're both incredulous, she tells me to go get Steve up - 'kay thanks mom thats exactly what I should do". Summation - no lie, Steve caught 27 that weekend. The mouse with "3" legs actually had 4 but was so young it could not walk & it was tucked under him. That weekend there were various "sizes/ages" of various litters.
And we'll move on even further. The mouse problem is pretty much under control, neighbours are saying as much. I garden quite a bit and take pride in my plants but moreso in my soil. I don't much notice at first but there are some deep holes along the foundation of the garage - perhaps some poor drainage problems, foundation settling, retarded roses depleting the soil???? Steve thinks we have a ground hog, goffer, whatever. Shoves the garden hose down the hole and the water does not come back, hmmmmm - thats a deep hole. I should spend some time explaining Steve's fascination with this crap but it infuriates me so much I can't. He has spent hour upon hour examining, playing animal games with the hole and by now its completely intrigued him. Finally he says he sees beady black eyes. Well eureka. He's on a roll, goes out and buys 3 bear traps of some sort, "I'm gonna catch me a possum" sort of thing. Sets them and goes golfing. Comes home, checks his traps and we've got 3 humungous RATS!!!!!! Well if I don't blow my fucking lid. I'm ready to burn the house to the ground. I can barely type in remembrance because he tells me "he got'em". He uses his "bedder juggement" and follows the hole. He ends up taring the stairs out under the back door. You wouldn't believe what was in there - everything from the bones of ever meal we'd eaten the last 2 years to a "Thanks for the Hospitality" note. At this point I think & I tell him he really needs to fuck off. Of course I phone the exterminator. Same thing, 8 litters of 10/10 litters of 8 = 80 fucking rats a year. Then he got one in the front of the house. What I learned from the exterminator was yes rats will burrow but only along side a foundation. This time I actually researched - and alot, its true everything I was told turned out to be true with everything I found on the internet - healthy female (rats & mice) = 80 a year. You think you see one or 2 forgettaboutit. Rats will definately burrow along a foundation - they will not, say, in the middle of a field. Need an exterminator or ask me. I'll have advice for you (like lay the poison in your attics) , I'd be reluctant with the advice of "playing the game with peanut butter", this is true, especially for those smart fucking fuckers - they'll see the dead guy in the trap with the peanut butter, associate the peanut butter with the dead mouse and walk around him & peanut butter for the rest of their lives. I've seen it all trust me.
Talked to the neighbours, post is getting too long to share all their stories too. I call the Ministry of Health & explain the situation. She tells me that its not a health concern as its on public property. A health concern???? Yeah I know I'm older than you but the plagues created by these creatures have wiped out entire populations at one time, scientists are still studying it, it has been determined that rats will outwhit, outlive mankind and they're standing in my backyard sticking their tongue out giving me na, na na na, na, na, nanoo and you have no concern? She says we have no way of determining whether they're infectious or not. I tell her fine I'll pack the little mo'fuckers up and plunk them on her desk and she can let me know how they've tested. She's done. So Steve packed up a pack and left them on our local member of parlaiment's doorstep for testing. Like I said, we've got some neighbour stories, I think I've gone on long enough, I think they're gone. I started parking in the front, once I saw a rat the size of a cat slink right under the front door prohibiting me from entering the home (I have to add this in - Deb that was one of those rare occasions I had a cell phone and you're damn right I phoned Steve - come home and get your non producing one gay rat in the whole fucking world that lives at our house OUT - NOW!!!!!! - cell phone very very useful at that time). I need to calm down, you need to realize how much we argued about "thats it I got them all".
He (Steve the stupid *$##*%)%) finally gave them a teensy weensy bit of poison (I am sooooooo sick of their games), the holes clogged up and he pulled the patio stones up and there they were right under where I sun tan!!!!!
Don't, don't, don't ever ever complain to me about a mouse in the house. So I've laughed, its not funny. If you've got a story that can top this it had better be good but like I told Deb (& Steve) you need to just shut up about it, its not a small problem. And don't go instigating with one of your stories so I can say "oh, and another time........" I will out top you with any mouse/rat story EVER - this is where I live! You haven't heard the half of it. Show me some respect - I want to see zero comments!!!!!!! If you feel the need to "relate" it had better be bettter than this. And people wonder why I'm not normal.
posted by Tracey at 8:26 PM 21 comments links to this post
Thursday, April 06, 2006
TODAY ONLY - "POOR TRACEY"
This is my rant and I bluddy well deserve it. I HAVE JUST ABOUT HAD IT!!!!
True to the trend of the last few months for all of us I've had a problem with focus & discipline. So bad sometimes that it was "I don't care, I want it, I'm eating it" but we're not talking every hour of every day, just a day here & there, not a week at a time or 2. Okay so now I'm scrambling, took me a week or so but now my mindset is fine - I'm doing this, not a problem. Going on about 3 weeks now, good eating, keeping track, food selection & ratios are excellent (at least this is one thing I know). I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not one of those people that drops a pound a week. I'm not doing anything wrong, thats just the way it is.
I don't know how to work all these numbers out and I really don't give a shit because I know I'm not loosing anything. Nonetheless I created a fake profile on tracker to see what my "gains" have been since last summer. I based it on the measurements from my profile of last August and put myself at 16% BF (a guess so could be wrong) and current stats. What it gave me was a gain of 5.2 lbs. of muscle and 5.8 lbs. of fat; even if the numbers are a bit off its pretty close as I played around with it a bit - I could even go 4 & 7 (God please let it not be that) respectively and its still not that bad. Its not like I'm looking to loose 20 lbs of fat. Depending on how you look at it not too good and not too bad. Why the hell can't my fucked up body loose a couple of pounds of fat???? Unless I'm totally retarded (and anyone can jump in here) I'm not doing that bad. I've worked out my caloric intake from BFFM and these are the averages:
Low days - 1555 to 1667 cal
High days - 2000 cal
Optimal - 1777 to 1888 cal
I AM WELL WITHIN THESE RANGES!!!!! Yeah, of course I've had a few cheats (weekend "cheat day") but NOTHING compared to some of my historical proportions of the past and from what I can see mathematically I'm still creating a deficit. In the last couple of months my weight has risen consistently - one pound at a time. PMS bloat is pretty much gone and I've been handsomely rewarded with a loss of one measely fucking pound!!!!!!! Three weeks of good eating, pms bloat gone and I get a pound - I know that pound is strictly water. So okay, I've made some muscle gain as I can see it but the fat will not budge. Accumeasure calipers are in the cupboard, I'm terrified of them both psychologically and physically - I will not forget the last hive episode from them anytime soon. I'm committing myself to stocking up on calamine and doing it this weekend.
I've got alot more frustration bottled up in me but I'll save it and take it out on my family, this is enough for now. I know why people get eating disorders; how can you be so in control as I am now and not see any damn change??? I know its only been 3 weeks but c'mon, you can see change in 3 weeks of going in the opposite direction - no one could disagree. I didn't have to type all this, all I had to say was right now I am really really pissed off!!! I'll religiously go & do my workout now, eat even better today and watch the scale go up a pound tomorrow morning and the only explanation I'll get is because I'm getting on the scale too much. It can't get much worse than this.
FYI - you won't come here again anytime soon and find me this pissed off.
posted by Tracey at 4:18 AM 17 comments links to this post
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Bernice's MIL''s Sister's Best Friend Casserole
I am freaking starving and once again I am preparing the dinner meal for my family. Once they're done I'll eat a scrumptuous salad & chicken breast number 14,937,287.
Just let me clarify - I do like to cook, I do know how to cook and I know this because I've been complimented by people I know and people I don't know (yes, I'm pretty wonderful). I want to share this recipe because it actually sounds like a joke. I saw it several years ago in a cooking magazine where they claimed that the most fussiest eater will eat it & love it. People wrote in & it got rave reviews, they couldn't believe how good it was. I actually laughed - like why would they print this & who would make it? Me I guess. Like I said, it sounds like a joke but here it is:
Bernice's MIL''s Sister's Best Friend Casserole
1 lb ground beef
1 can Campbell's Tomato Soup
Pasta (I use Scoobi Doo's)
grated cheddar
THATS IT!!!! Okay you can salt & pepper the meat - no seasoning
Yes I know, Bernice's MIL's Sister's Best Friend lives in a trailer park. Who gives a rat's ass - this shit is fantastic!!! You think its going to taste just like it sounds - it doesn't, I don't know why. It takes on a life of its own when you want good old fashioned comfort food. According to the mag you have to put it in the casserole dish in this order for it to taste great (WTF?). 1. ground beef, 2. pasta, 3. tomato soup, stir completely with a bit of cheddar & then top with grated cheddar, bake 350 about half an hour (no cover) or till it looks "done".
Trust me on this one; of course the kids love it. Randy the ex who grew up on his momma's homemade pasta & sauce even loved it and never missed an opportunity to say how good it was. Stevejust saw me making it and said "ooooooohhhh, thats what you're making, I like that dish".
Now as for me.............. I'm not eating this fucking crap.
posted by Tracey at 4:34 AM 17 comments links to this post
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Update: GOALS
Set some realistic goals for myself so we'll take a look at progress:
# of pounds lost: 0
# of chin-ups: 0
Days late TOM: 2
Goals for the week: lobotomy
Hopes & dreams for today:
posted by Tracey at 4:49 PM
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