Friday, February 10, 2006
Ramblings on the Therapist's Couch
I've given more thought to the eating issues and these thoughts are in no way a conclusion, justification nor anwer to any problems. First of all there is the all so common need to fulfill oneself internally, well yeah, thats a given. Another given is the pms - is it really true we are burning more calories during this time? Here's another thing; as I mentioned I am craving different things than I have in the past. I heard a story a long time ago (I don't remember who told me this but it was very long ago and I've never forgotten this story). A small boy around 18 mos if I remember correctly, was licking the soles of shoes. When his mother brought him to the doctor he told her not to worry about it, he was lacking something as in a mineral or something, and was reacting on instinct. Sounds bizarre and no I don't know if its true. But here's just one more "weird" thing. I've never liked ham, my mom used to make ham & scalloped potatoes for Easter every year, I always hated that meal and have never really liked ham. I've bought these cute little low fat honey smoked hams for the rest of the family since there's no reason why they can't have ham. Then I tasted it - delicious; I swear I could eat one of these hams like an apple no fork & knife required. What the hell do these hams have that I want or need? So what I've done is applied this shoe story to myself. No, I doubt I am lacking sugar but I'm sure the hell lacking something and have a need to fulfill it. I will say I am hungry. I literally can't believe my eyes when I see someone write "its so much food, I can't get it all in" - well pass your plate honey and let me show you how its done.
Its been 3 or 4 weeks now alcohol free. I mentioned to Pamela that alcohol is supposed to be a depressant - I don't know. I'm certainly not missing it but my mood has been nothing short of blah, boring, blue, miserable, morbid - I'm not having fun. Just like on Friends; remember one of Monica's boyfriends "fun Bobby"? Everyone loved him, he was so much fun. Then he quit drinking - no longer fun, nobody wanted to be around him and Monica had to dump his ass. While I don't need it, I've got to wonder if it takes the edge off, something I can let my hair down with - personality in a bottle? I don't give a shit if anyone calls me an alcoholic, no I'm not in denial, no I'm not in the closet, nobody is going to stage an intervention. It didn't inhibit weight loss or fitness last year (maybe a missed workout or 2 that I made up the next day and yes some good junk food cravings in the aftermath). So far I don't see how this has helped me so I may or may not see if I can get some personality back.
There are other thoughts of "I don't care" - making myself not care then having a reason to whine & beat myself up. What a delightful individual to be around. Steve and I have actually gotten into fights about this. I'm going to spill my guts a bit. He goes on & on about how beautiful I am, how turned on he is, I always look good, after all these years he gets more & more attracted to me (gotta wonder about someone attracted to this shit, ha, ha), quit calling myself down, blah, blah, blah. He has this "nickname" for me that actually makes me cringe and have actually spitefully said to him that the "name" doesn't mean anything, its a joke, sarcasm, and I know its to make fun of me (I've got a lump in my throat and I'm actually confused just typing this). Keep in mind that he calls me this more than he calls me Tracey so it is an every day thing. Okay, here goes, gulp, its "beauty". I actually get embarassed; my sister makes fun of me, calls the house asking to speak to the beauty - very funny. Enough about this, yes I do realize my thinking & actions can cause some heavy damage on our relationship.
I've spoken to my doctor and have decided to go off the Wellbutrin (not on his recommendation, he told me wait until spring). I've also wondered if its helping me to gain weight. He told me to think about if I wanted to talk to someone which I may or may not do. These issues are my own which if I use my brain I'll be able to figure out on my own. All brains are pretty much created equal its how you use it that makes a difference. Is it not a fact that the brain is not used 100% to its full potential? Varying degrees differ from person to person so its a matter of using it properly. There's nothing wrong with my brain but there's something wrong with the way I'm using it. It is powerful and is wasting away using it in the manner in which I have been doing lately.
I've decided to reset my goals. Subconcsiously I've been using figure/fitness competitors "in season" as my ideal. Duh, its an ABNORMAL look. While I will continue to still admire such specimens, I've "fallen in love" with someone/something else. Yes, there's lots of pictures of her but thats because she's my "beauty"!!!! First thing that attracted me was no implants; I'm getting sick of implants even though I'd most likely take them were they given to me. She's close to my age & is my height & I see similarities in our body structure (except the genetically given boy bum and the exceptionally pretty face). I see her with a look that with the proper "brainset" might be more achievable and with some moderate discipline, maintained. If I was to be a replica so to speak, it would mean about a 10 lb. weight loss, 2 inches off the waist, an inch off the hips, not sure what the decrease would be in fat percentage, some bum reconfiguration and not doable, an increase to a C cup. I know that "any look" is possible, but does she not look like a more reasonable goal than Jenny Lynn, Mary Elizabeth Lado or Monica Brant?
Ramblings on the Therapist's Couch
I've given more thought to the eating issues and these thoughts are in no way a conclusion, justification nor anwer to any problems. First of all there is the all so common need to fulfill oneself internally, well yeah, thats a given. Another given is the pms - is it really true we are burning more calories during this time? Here's another thing; as I mentioned I am craving different things than I have in the past. I heard a story a long time ago (I don't remember who told me this but it was very long ago and I've never forgotten this story). A small boy around 18 mos if I remember correctly, was licking the soles of shoes. When his mother brought him to the doctor he told her not to worry about it, he was lacking something as in a mineral or something, and was reacting on instinct. Sounds bizarre and no I don't know if its true. But here's just one more "weird" thing. I've never liked ham, my mom used to make ham & scalloped potatoes for Easter every year, I always hated that meal and have never really liked ham. I've bought these cute little low fat honey smoked hams for the rest of the family since there's no reason why they can't have ham. Then I tasted it - delicious; I swear I could eat one of these hams like an apple no fork & knife required. What the hell do these hams have that I want or need? So what I've done is applied this shoe story to myself. No, I doubt I am lacking sugar but I'm sure the hell lacking something and have a need to fulfill it. I will say I am hungry. I literally can't believe my eyes when I see someone write "its so much food, I can't get it all in" - well pass your plate honey and let me show you how its done.
Its been 3 or 4 weeks now alcohol free. I mentioned to Pamela that alcohol is supposed to be a depressant - I don't know. I'm certainly not missing it but my mood has been nothing short of blah, boring, blue, miserable, morbid - I'm not having fun. Just like on Friends; remember one of Monica's boyfriends "fun Bobby"? Everyone loved him, he was so much fun. Then he quit drinking - no longer fun, nobody wanted to be around him and Monica had to dump his ass. While I don't need it, I've got to wonder if it takes the edge off, something I can let my hair down with - personality in a bottle? I don't give a shit if anyone calls me an alcoholic, no I'm not in denial, no I'm not in the closet, nobody is going to stage an intervention. It didn't inhibit weight loss or fitness last year (maybe a missed workout or 2 that I made up the next day and yes some good junk food cravings in the aftermath). So far I don't see how this has helped me so I may or may not see if I can get some personality back.
There are other thoughts of "I don't care" - making myself not care then having a reason to whine & beat myself up. What a delightful individual to be around. Steve and I have actually gotten into fights about this. I'm going to spill my guts a bit. He goes on & on about how beautiful I am, how turned on he is, I always look good, after all these years he gets more & more attracted to me (gotta wonder about someone attracted to this shit, ha, ha), quit calling myself down, blah, blah, blah. He has this "nickname" for me that actually makes me cringe and have actually spitefully said to him that the "name" doesn't mean anything, its a joke, sarcasm, and I know its to make fun of me (I've got a lump in my throat and I'm actually confused just typing this). Keep in mind that he calls me this more than he calls me Tracey so it is an every day thing. Okay, here goes, gulp, its "beauty". I actually get embarassed; my sister makes fun of me, calls the house asking to speak to the beauty - very funny. Enough about this, yes I do realize my thinking & actions can cause some heavy damage on our relationship.
I've spoken to my doctor and have decided to go off the Wellbutrin (not on his recommendation, he told me wait until spring). I've also wondered if its helping me to gain weight. He told me to think about if I wanted to talk to someone which I may or may not do. These issues are my own which if I use my brain I'll be able to figure out on my own. All brains are pretty much created equal its how you use it that makes a difference. Is it not a fact that the brain is not used 100% to its full potential? Varying degrees differ from person to person so its a matter of using it properly. There's nothing wrong with my brain but there's something wrong with the way I'm using it. It is powerful and is wasting away using it in the manner in which I have been doing lately.
I've decided to reset my goals. Subconcsiously I've been using figure/fitness competitors "in season" as my ideal. Duh, its an ABNORMAL look. While I will continue to still admire such specimens, I've "fallen in love" with someone/something else. Yes, there's lots of pictures of her but thats because she's my "beauty"!!!! First thing that attracted me was no implants; I'm getting sick of implants even though I'd most likely take them were they given to me. She's close to my age & is my height & I see similarities in our body structure (except the genetically given boy bum and the exceptionally pretty face). I see her with a look that with the proper "brainset" might be more achievable and with some moderate discipline, maintained. If I was to be a replica so to speak, it would mean about a 10 lb. weight loss, 2 inches off the waist, an inch off the hips, not sure what the decrease would be in fat percentage, some bum reconfiguration and not doable, an increase to a C cup. I know that "any look" is possible, but does she not look like a more reasonable goal than Jenny Lynn, Mary Elizabeth Lado or Monica Brant?
posted by Tracey at 6:29 AM
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